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PROZAC NATION by Elizabeth Wurtzel.
Read it in 1996; was depressed, got even more depressed.
read a review by Douglas A. Smith:
As Sigmund Freud said, two of the most important aspects of anyone’s life are love and work. When Elizabeth Wurtzel did well in these areas of her life, she was happy – and with no help from psychiatry. When her life went poorly, she was despondent or “depressed,” whether or not she was taking Prozac and lithium or other psychiatric drugs or undergoing other psychiatric “therapy.” Whether she realizes it or not, her 368 page memoir illustrates that her salvation, both before and after Prozac, came from living a life she enjoyed, not from any of psychiatry’s so-called therapies.
now a new movie with Christina Ricci. have not watched it. dunno whether it’d be any good like Girl, Interrupted. now, this is one movie and book that i can watch and read again and again. but prozac nation? … never mind.
i can’t sleep. it’s slightly after 3am. i can’t sleep. i can’t sleeeeeeep …
just want a new day to begin. so that i can sort things out. like finding out what kind of offer am i getting from these people who interviewed me on thursday.
argh.
ok. now i must sleep.
actually that is not really the question if you don’t have money in the bank.
like i mentioned in earlier posts, i am currently jobless and am actively looking for a job. i hv been on a few interviews these past two months. and just when i thought things couldn’t get any worse, it did … well, depends on how you look at it.
basically, i’ve been offered a job by the people that interviewed me yesterday. i dunno why, but i had a feeling that they were going to call me about something or to negotiate, coz i got through to the second interview. but i dunno … it’s not exactly the ideal situation coz i am a bit wary of working for a singaporean company. been there, done that. but on the plus side, it is very near my house, and i really do need to pay my bills. so, phew … i was kinda hoping they wouldn’t offer me since they said my asking salary was a bit high.
so this afternoon, someone called me and called me and called me. i didn’t pick up the phone coz i was just feeling so ambivalent. i didn’t want to say something that i might regret. so, i checked my email and true enough, like i suspected, they emailed me asking me to pick up my offer letter. argh. so i dunno. i emailed back asking them to email the details, or i would pick it up early tomorrow morning (they work on a saturday???? … groaaaan). so, sigh. what do i do, what do i do, what do i do … i guess i just have to read the letter. argh.
is this a test, God? why are you giving me these difficult choices. (incidentally, yesterday, i was a bit angry at God. i know i shouldn’t be. maybe it was PMS but i was just so angry at the world. so, i don’t know whether this job offer is a blessing or the opposite.
now THAT is a really pessimistic title.
for someone with a personality (i shall elaborate another time) like mine … maybe this is the best thing to do. chill … and don’t expect too much out of life.
i know i am in total deep shit when my water was cut about two weeks ago because i had not been paying maintenance fees for almost two years.
i know i am a terrible person but i never intended not to pay … i just somehow didn’t. i was always short of money and most of the time, a week after getting my salary and paying bills and loans, i’ve only got just enough to live on. and i had to make sure i have enough money to get to work.
i am not making excuses. i am just totally deep in financial muck, that i don’t know how to get out of it.
of course, i’m grateful that the management office takes care of the condo (although actually i don’t really like the new management compared to the previous management for various reasons which i shan’t get into here).
i read somewhere that the maintenance office cannot cut off water as it’s a basic necessity enshrined somewhere (maybe a UN charter)? so what they’re doing is not legal but i’m hardly in a position to protest. i just want to get a job and pay if off by instalments as there is absolutely NO WAY that i can afford to pay it in one lump sum.
so, what i did was get two huge plastic bins (like the ones people use as a rubbish bin) and two huge 8 kilo water canisters. i had initially wanted to get the 4 kilo ones but my bf said to just get the 8 kilo ones coz he would help me carry it. haha. i will not listen to his suggestions again coz he only helped me once and then we got into a fight coz i made some comment about him waking up late or something like that. WHATEVER! so i’ve decided to handle my water crisis myself.
honestly, if you – like me – are terrible at paying monthly bills … don’t live in a condo. there are so many fees that you sometimes have no idea what for including a ’sinking fund’ … what is that? as i have not been paying my maintenance fees … i was not eligible to attend/vote at the residents/management meeting. so, i don’t know what is being done or not being done.
i wonder whether there is something wrong with me that i cannot sort out my life. i’m sure there is. i can trace it back to 1997 when the economic recession happened to southeast asia. i was ecstatically happy that i graduated with a second class upper. than they tell me that they can’t continue to sponsor my postgraduate education. i had planned to stay and work in england coz that was where i was happiest. in malaysia, i am just a loser, sort of. had lots of fights with my parents, can’t fit in … totally not happy. although i got a lot of job offers, but i made lousy choices in terms of career and personal life. i just kept making one mistake after another. and ten years on … i’m stuck in a rut. maybe of my own making. but what happened? why couldn’t i swim to the surface?
thursday …
dunno whether it’s pms but i’m like a volcano that’s waiting to erupt. okay, now i’m just a simmering pot of pasta sauce. but earlier … arrrrggggh.
yesterday, i went for two job interviews, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. then, just as i was about to drive off after the afternoon interview, the admin person called me to come for a second interview the next day. i had planned to go to the epf office on thursday to ask about the housing loan withdrawal scheme since i would be free all day. but with the recent turn of events, i would have to squeeze the visit to early morning.
but this morning, i felt so bleaugh, that i thought it would be better to postpone it tomorrow after i’ve gotten all my papers in order. actually i almost went, wore something formal, felt positive. so, i thought i’d go to my apartment and get my papers.
but when i went back to my apartment, i was dismayed by the stinky smell from the toilet. did i tell you that the management cut my water supply? yeah, two weeks already, i think. coz i owe them more than a year’s worth of maintenance fees. anyway, will write about this later. so, even tho i thought i had flushed buckets full of water down the toilet, it seems that it’s not the same like if the water wasn’t cut off. coz i haven’t been home for a few days now so i dunno whether i should pour water down the toilet everyday so that it doesn’t become stagnant? anyway, really spoiled my mood.
anyway, before that, i dropped by my boyfriend’s place to pick up my trolley, and was hoping that he could help me fill these 8 kilo water containers to bring back to my place. but he was just too groggy (i suppose from a cold the night before) that he basically could not open his eyelids, and i just got a bit pissed off even though i shouldn’t and i was hoping that he would wake up to help me but as he wasn’t capable of doing that, i left with my trolley and water containers. i said i would just fill them up at my mum’s place which is like 20 minutes drive away while his apartment is just 5 minutes drive away from my place. so that was a bit annoying but i decided that i might as well solve my own problems coz the last time he helped me with the water, we got into a fight (another long story).
so back at my apartment, i felt like the wind had been taken out of my sails … i felt really down. i had no job, no money, no water … WHATEVER!!
then, i realized that i could pay this month’s car loan by selling my gold necklace. i never thought that i would think of selling it because it was a gift from my late grandmother. that’s about the only thing that i have from her. but i was feeling really desperate. so i took the flimsy gold chain and put it in my pocket. then, i started to gather my stuff and went down to the parking lot.
then, i went back to my boyfriend’s house because i had left a nice pair of black pants to wear to the interview. and more crucially, i really needed to go to the toilet, and there is no water at my apartment! so, i went back there and he was still sick, i suppose, coz he slept until noon. so, when i was about to leave, i realized that the gold chain is gone! AND there is actually a small hole in my pocket! how come i didn’t notice it, right? WHATEVER! really, really spoiled my mood. of course, i didn’t tell my boyfriend about it coz he would only get upset and tell me how careless i had been, blabla … he’s not very good at handling bad news even though it’s got nothing to do with him. it would just make him stressful, especially since he’s also short of money. so, i mustered up the strength to go to the job interview.
at the interview, the boss says i’ve got the criteria that they wanted. but of course when it came down to dollars and cents, the moolah, the dough … basically, i’m just too expensive! i said, that’s a typical salary for an EDITOR. he looked surprised. he thought i was asking for the position of SENIOR WRITER. Idiot! Didn’t he read the stupid FORM that i was asked to fill and my cover letter? WHATEVER! then, he said the highest post he can offer me was ASST EDITOR. WHATEVER. During the first interview, i’d told the sales manager that it doesn’t make sense for me to be Senior Writer (coz she said they would promote me if i perform … haaaah! dream on, as if i don’t know their republican tactics – it’s a singapore company and i’ve worked with them before … so, i know their modus operandi) as i’ve been an Editor for the past five years. It’s typical of Singapore publishing companies (based on three that i’ve worked for) to put one person in charge of a magazine, and the person does everything … so basically, you can be writer, senior writer, whatever but you would be doing the job of an editor at LESS PAY!!! so, i said to him, it doesn’t matter to me what you wish to call the position BUT it doesn’t make sense to me to agree to a salary that is below what i had gotten before. or something like that. please lah. i know the game, ok?
i told them that ideally, a magazine should be published 3 months in advance (the norm with big publishing companies in malaysia and overseas who employ sub-editors, editorial assistants, lifestyle editors, photo editors, etc, etc) … then the guy said, oh … we don’t do that. how stupid. they like to work in that stupid hectic style that is so typical of this sort of companies (okay, now i wouldn’t say singapore because i don’t have any statistics, just experience). stretch your staff’s capacities and expand your profit margin. how stupid. WHATEVER. and besides, i’d actually forgotten that they required someone who can speak chinese as well and when i’d sent my application via email i’d missed that particular sentence. so, i don’t know why they called me … maybe they THINK i can speak and write chinese? so, i don’t know whether i should email them and withdraw my application. the guy said he’d call me on Friday regarding the results. but you know what? i don’t think he will. like the numerous other interviews that promise to inform me in a week whether i was successful or otherwise. unlike in england, where for 50 letters that i’d sent, i would get exactly 50 rejection letters back (LOLOLOL) … i mean, they’re good at letter-writing … the British. and that’s what you call service! but in malaysia … if you don’t hear from them in a week, consider yourself REJECTED!
so, anyway … went back to my mum’s house after the interview, i felt hot and bothered. and later around 5pm my mum got really stressed with my 2 and a half year old niece who was having a tantrum that she screamed and when i went up to find out what was wrong, and reprimanded the niece, she said i shouldn’t have done so coz i don’t know what was going on. then i said to my mum, when you scream like that, you make everyone stressed coz as per usual she will start to pick on things and blame everything and everyone but she just can’t discipline the child who basically winds her around her little finger. much as i love her, my niece is a little tyrant who gets away with practically everything.
friday …
early this morning, i discovered that i had gotten my period. duh.
two hours ago, my good friend – a Project Architect – asked me for help. she is about to be served with a bankruptcy notice. apparently it’s about her car which she told me about five years ago, was stolen (probably, she said, by an ex-boyfriend). i never asked her about it in detail because she seemed so distraught. later, she said, she’d been to court and the matter, i thought, was solved.
so, i’m just thinking, if it WAS stolen, wouldn’t the insurance people sort it out?
i hope to meet her tonight for the details.
the news made me a bit jittery coz i am behind two months with my housing loan payment and one month on my car. ulps.
it’s crazy. how come they don’t teach us how to manage our finances at university?
some of us, including moi, are total idiots when it comes to personal financing. suze orman said – more or less – how we conduct our finances is a reflection of ourselves?
latest news …
my friend called the lawyers and then the bank that issued the bankruptcy notice. they’ve agreed to accept her proposal of partial payment and then to continue paying by instalment. phew!
immediately, i checked the epf website on whether i can use my epf savings to pay my housing loan, at least for the next 8 months. seems i’m eligible, so i shall go to the epf office in thursday. will update if successful.
thank God my friend’s situation is ok now. alhamdulillah …
when will i, will i be famoooooooooouuusss?
i can’t answer, i can’t answer that!
i believe the above are lyrics to a song by BROS, the 80’s wonder twins.
actually, i don’t want to be famous. i just want to be comfortable. by that, i mean wealthy enough to be my own boss, to provide for my loved ones AND to create a foundation that would allow poor kids access to books. by books, i mean not only textbooks (which can be expensive for poor parents) but fiction, non-fiction, etc …
when will this happen? argh!!
a few years ago, i went to the Summit Mall – this horrible mall in USJ Subang Jaya – and meandered into a shop selling jade accessories and sculpture.
the woman in charge – a sad-eyed Chinese lady who had lost a husband who was basically her ROCK – told me (after touching my head, specifically the back of my head) that i would be prosperous but only in my forties. now, she said, now you have to work hard. then, she said, whomever i marry will have his fortunes and status elevated. can you imagine? just by marrying me some guy is gonna be catapulted to a higher dimension, so to speak. wow.
anyway, i’m 35 now, and still not married. so, whatever. but as for the working hard thing … i try, i do try … and sometimes when i thought i have everything under control, i act with my emotions instead of my head!
like, resigning from a basically ‘easy’ job (well, except for the crazy boss part, it was quite easy). and i noticed that most of my resignations occur when i am in PMS mode. oh boy! it’s crazy. i wish, i do wish i can stay at home, be quiet, and not be tempted by the phone or the internet because it’s so easy to say something silly or send a stupid message via phone or email or skype/messenger when you are mad! just a click of a button, and there it goes! groaaaaan!!!
It may be that all writers come to their craft from a sense of being on the margins of life, of seeing the world with an outsider’s eye and needing to make sense of it.
Sara Paretsky
read this amazing article by Sara Paretsky on why she writes what she writes …
read this in The New York Times online at
The only exceptions had been for Ceausescu’s whims, and Mr. Marinescu had been nowhere near the teams on whom such ruthless inspiration was bestowed.
“He would wave his arm and say, ‘I want a boulevard this way,’ and everything — churches, hospitals — all had to go. One time, there was a river in Bucharest. An open sewer, it smelled so bad. He said, ‘I want to see here clean water — with fish.’ They covered the river with concrete slabs and put a separate river, with fish, on top of it.”
maybe DBKL could do something like this with the Klang River? 
