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george orwell’s Down & Out in Paris & London was my inspiration for the theme and title of my blog. i would like to share the ups and downs that i have gone through these past ten years as a working girl (now woman) living and working in the two most important cities in this blessed country – kuala lumpur (kl) and petaling jaya (pj). visitors to this blog should expect to read about disasters, disasters and more disasters. because that’s what i am currently – a disaster zone. my life may not be as bad as some people, but it is pretty bad considering with my background, i should not be in this mess.
in the novel, orwell writes:
Poverty is what I am writing about, and I had my first contact with poverty in this slum. The slum, with its dirt and its queer lives, was first an object-lesson in poverty, and then the background of my own experiences. It is for that reason that I try to give some idea of what life was like there.
those who do not know me would not ever imagine that i would have arrived at this position … for a graduate privileged enough to be accepted to boarding school, then educated in england on a government sponsorship scheme (it was a loan converted to a scholarship because i was awarded a second upper class for my degree), basically middle-class with both parents working (now retired) and siblings all graduates … how did i, now 35, end up with less than RM500 in the bank and without a job for two months now? in ten years, i have held more than ten job positions and only managed to stay in one job for the longest period of one and a half years.
dear friends, i will tell you how, i will tell you why … for a graduate, i can be really STOOOPID! but i don’t blame myself entirely. part of the fault lies with my parents, my upbringing, intense pressure to excel and so on, which had caused me at one time to suffer a nervous breakdown of sorts.
having said all this, i am a survivor … and more than that … i believe i am a very creative person who is just looking for a way to let loose all that is in my head, my heart, my soul.
at long last, i have arrived at a point where i have nothing to lose. it’s now or never.
i am an Aquarian born in 1973, the Chinese year of the Ox. i have had other blogs (which i have hardly updated) but none as honest as this … except of course, i have to use a pseudonym coz i have to protect the identities of whom i shall be talking about … and therefore, i am not being a chickenpoo, but i am not famous (yet) like angelina jolie who can afford to have the world know how messed up their lives have been because their parents are dead famous and lead lives that are open to public scrutiny. as my loved ones lead relatively normal lives, i can’t afford to expose them to notoreity as they will never forgive me … ever.
incidentally, when i was 19, in anger and frustration, i wrote (again using a pseudonym) an article on how i felt like i didn’t live up to my parents expectations and my hope for the future, etc, printed it, put it in an envelope and sent it to the editor of the NST (New Straits Times) … and when i was safely in england (and could not be subject to interrogation), the article was published, and the paper sent my cheque with copy of article attached to my parents’ house. they opened it (thinking that as i was overseas, they have the absolute right to open my mail) and was a bit miffed, to say the least, at my revelations … the interesting thing was … my dad was proud that i was published (he had always wanted to be a published writer) but my mum was sooo hurt that our family problems (or rather my problems with them) was published for the whole world (well, actually, just malaysia) to read … but see, i used a pseudonym, so whose to know except me and the staff of the NST? so, anyway, back to blogging … who’s to know except me and wordpress or any person clever enough to uncover my real identity? but then again, who’d bother? i’m not important … yet.
i remember when i was seeing a counsellor/therapist ten years ago … i’d told him … i can’t do anything stupid coz i might become someone famous someday and i don’t want these stupid stories to jeopardize my reputation. but guess what … ten years on … i’m still nobody and i have done so many stoooopid things that i am terribly ashamed of, and if i do become famous someday, well … i should just smile graciously (and beguilingly) like angelina jolie and blame my parents and the foolishness of youth. haha.
