i have a cold

apparently, i have a cold. i deduce this from my readings on the net. and no, its not the flu. flu or cold, i just want to sleep. i dont want to go to work.

but i cant.

this management frowns at people taking mcs. especially those who are on probation. like moi.

groaaan.

negativity

this was actually written earlier in october 2008. i had saved it as a draft. i had forgotten about it. but i think it should be posted. it just reminded me how difficult my relationship with my boyfriend can be.

—

October 2008 – post Eid

just got back in pj. was in johore for the eid holidays.

got a bit upset with the boyfriend. he called me from work, he’d just finish. i’d just got home. then he invited me out. maybe we could bring his niece, go watch a movie or something. a treat for her. i said ok. i remember i said whether we were gonna hv enough time coz it’s already 8pm and he’d hv to go picke her up before picking me up, etc. he said enough time, coz he’s gonna come straight after work. we’d hv dinner together. i said maybe we shld go where there’s a play area so that the niece wont get bored. he suggested a movie. so i went to check. then about nine i called him, thinking he was already home to pick up his niece. it seems he was hving dinner at work with his colleagues. and he’d leave after that. then, i got kind of confused. i thot he was gonna rush over and we’d hv dinner together. i dont get it. he said i got it wrong. he said he was gonna come over after he’s had his dinner. then isaid, why is it that i keep misunderstanding or hearing the wrong things these days. i know what i heard! i really dont understand it!

so he said he was gonna come over when he’s finished his dinner. and i got really irritated. i mean, why in the first place did he suggest taking out his niece if he knew he was gonna be late. the kid shouldnt be out so late. we shouldnt make it a practice. i dont understand wht hes thinking.

but then again, he probably thinks im making a big deal out of nothing.

i dunno.

then i thought … is this what it’s like post-ramadhan? im beginning to miss the fasting month even though i didnt exactly go to the mosque for terawih prayers and all. im missing the peace. the lack … i mean the reduction in inner turmoil.

one of my aunts recently said i have ’sakat’ … apparently a minor satan/devil whatever you call it … that doesnt like it when im successful, holding me back from praying, etc, etc … im still trying to get my head around it. i know im just not very ‘good’ but im not that bad either. and i know – throught the 3 hr ride back home – i know that my life has been in limbo for the past seven years due to some really bad choices. one of them dropping out of grad school.

so i hv been flitting from job to job, not daring to make a commitment, everything unsatisfactory … even though most of the time i am exceedingly good at what i do.

i better go take a bath. he might arrive soon.

i dunno why back in pj/kl soil, i am already feeling negative, irritated, impatient.

doesnt help that ive put on weight instead of losing weight over the fasting month. i didnt check on a scale but i think its true. and maybe its pms. sigh.

reminder

i’d just been reading my earlier posts and i cannot believe that ten months ago, i was in extreme dire straits. i had no job, no money, no water!

and now … i have a job, in another country, which pays a lot more than my old job. i dont need to pay rent. all i need to do is show up for work, do my job. but of course, it’s not as simple as that.

anyway, yes. it’s really good to have this blog to REMIND me where i was just ten months ago. and i cannot afford to make the same mistakes again. savvy?

and i almost did … i almost did.

moan & groan … welcome to brunei

believe it or not, it’s 2009 … march 2009.  so much has happened since my last post. i am now in another country. okay, it’s not so far. just over the south china sea.

i am in brunei. have been living here for a few months now. this is not, i repeat, not a sabbatical. LOLOL!

i’ve got a job. it’s not the best job in the world, but it’s ok. although the office politics is kind of vicious. anyway, i’m here just to save money but it doesn’t seem like i’m saving much. for example, today i bought a mobile modem. so that i can get online at home, of course. cost me a bomb! i mean it. $300 just for the modem. argh. crazy.

but i guess, it’s something i cannot avoid. i have spent weeks contemplating this purchase. and well, after trying it out for an hour now, it’s not bad, really. reception is quite good. all i do is surf and write anyway.

anyway, how did i get here?

i can hardly believe it myself.  applied over the internet. got the interview. aced the interview. well, maybe i wasn’t really their first choice, but i guess i was cheap. i’m making lots more than what i was making in Malaysia anyhow.

but it’s really tough. the loneliness. missing my nieces … and sometimes, my boyfriend. miss being in damansara perdana. miss hanging out at borders. miss being able to just pop down to the mamak for a capati/roti canai and a teh tarik. miss my bonsai. miss lots of things.

brunei is peaceful. i don’t have to worry about getting mugged, snatch theft, that sorta thing. but it’s … well … it’s not like london, that’s for sure! so, that’s what i’m working on now. to save some money to go back to school.

anyway, they’ve put me up in an apartment … it’s nice but i’m sharing. which is … not so nice. i mean, my housemate is ok, although she smokes (i wish she wouldn’t) … but it’s nothing like having your own place. i miss my apartment in damansara perdana. i miss it terribly. now that it’s got water. HAHHAHAHA. how did i survive not having water last year. it’s crazy.

but yeah. that’s my crazy pathetic life.

that’s the thing. life is a roller coaster. sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. and sometimes when you think you’re up, some invisible fingers are dragging you down, down, down … okay, that’s really bad prose!

actually, i’m kinda miserable. the office is not as great as it was a few weeks ago. but i can’t let things affect me, although i think it is … now i have the flu/cold* …

just don’t feel like going to work … but i have to.

i’m thinking of going to work early tomorrow. do the pages as early as possible. then go home.

well, now that i don’t have the pleasure of that korean series to look forward to; i can concentrate on work. haha.

okay, i was never that into these korean drama series, you know. until i saw JUMONG. and oh wow. i was hooked! then … Prince Hours. okay, that was cute.

looks like i have to get my own DVD player now.

which leads me to buying branded goods.

okay, i bought an el cheapo vacuum cleaner within the first two weeks i got here. and now, i don’t know how. the hose is now rendered useless. also, my stupid el cheapo blender which i bought at Hua Ho is also a disappointment. but it’s my fault coz i didn’t check when the guy was testing it. but he’s the salesman! how could he not notice that the mill (two of them) grinder thing had this horrible grease stuff that i couldn’t remove. had to throw them out. so i’ve learned my lesson. don’t buy cheap stuff!

and the thing is … my house has not been vacuumed in three weeks, and i really need to get a new vacuum cleaner. but i don’t have a car.

and i don’t know when i can go and buy one. argh again.

okay, enough moaning and groaning. whoever happens to read this blog … i’m sorry for you. like it said down and out …

but you know … you might be able to find some real gems in here. after i’m done moaning and groaning.

gotta go.

p/s: i want to start blogging in earnest. maybe it can keep me sane? beats confiding in people at work and have them blab about you during lunch.