this was actually written earlier in october 2008. i had saved it as a draft. i had forgotten about it. but i think it should be posted. it just reminded me how difficult my relationship with my boyfriend can be.

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October 2008 – post Eid

just got back in pj. was in johore for the eid holidays.

got a bit upset with the boyfriend. he called me from work, he’d just finish. i’d just got home. then he invited me out. maybe we could bring his niece, go watch a movie or something. a treat for her. i said ok. i remember i said whether we were gonna hv enough time coz it’s already 8pm and he’d hv to go picke her up before picking me up, etc. he said enough time, coz he’s gonna come straight after work. we’d hv dinner together. i said maybe we shld go where there’s a play area so that the niece wont get bored. he suggested a movie. so i went to check. then about nine i called him, thinking he was already home to pick up his niece. it seems he was hving dinner at work with his colleagues. and he’d leave after that. then, i got kind of confused. i thot he was gonna rush over and we’d hv dinner together. i dont get it. he said i got it wrong. he said he was gonna come over after he’s had his dinner. then isaid, why is it that i keep misunderstanding or hearing the wrong things these days. i know what i heard! i really dont understand it!

so he said he was gonna come over when he’s finished his dinner. and i got really irritated. i mean, why in the first place did he suggest taking out his niece if he knew he was gonna be late. the kid shouldnt be out so late. we shouldnt make it a practice. i dont understand wht hes thinking.

but then again, he probably thinks im making a big deal out of nothing.

i dunno.

then i thought … is this what it’s like post-ramadhan? im beginning to miss the fasting month even though i didnt exactly go to the mosque for terawih prayers and all. im missing the peace. the lack … i mean the reduction in inner turmoil.

one of my aunts recently said i have ’sakat’ … apparently a minor satan/devil whatever you call it … that doesnt like it when im successful, holding me back from praying, etc, etc … im still trying to get my head around it. i know im just not very ‘good’ but im not that bad either. and i know – throught the 3 hr ride back home – i know that my life has been in limbo for the past seven years due to some really bad choices. one of them dropping out of grad school.

so i hv been flitting from job to job, not daring to make a commitment, everything unsatisfactory … even though most of the time i am exceedingly good at what i do.

i better go take a bath. he might arrive soon.

i dunno why back in pj/kl soil, i am already feeling negative, irritated, impatient.

doesnt help that ive put on weight instead of losing weight over the fasting month. i didnt check on a scale but i think its true. and maybe its pms. sigh.