my bf said sorry for what happened yesterday. but i don’t know whether he is aware of what he has done, what he always does.

i don’t know whether he knows how to be happy, be thankful … nobody can pull you out of yourself. nobody can hurt you worst but yourself.

the more he hurts me, the more i am certain that i need to go away. he can do whatever he likes to me, say whatever he wants. sooner or later, i will stop fighting back. i will go off, i won’t fight for this relationship.

i don’t know whether he realises this. maybe he does. maybe that’s how he keeps from committing. to drive people away by this impossible standards for himself.

when i was near, in the same space, the same district, seeing him everyday … it affects me very much, and he knows, he can see how i hurt, but now that i am far away … he can only guess. he cannot go off in a huff, and leave me crying … like he used to do. he cannot just go off. because now i am far away. our connection is tenuous. fragile.

the line can be disconnected.  there’s no slamming of doors.

this is what al green says:

Oooo oooo ooo ooo, yeah
Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Why somebody, why people break up
Oh, and turn around and make up
I just can’t seeeeeeeee
You’d never do that to me
(Would you baby)
‘Cause being around you is all I see
It’s why I want us to

Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

—-

i can’t imagine a guy who can really have a relationship and not get angry, break up then make up …

my bf and i … we did that all the time

only distance is the tie that keeps us together.

distance prevents us from fighting all the time.

it’s really confusing.

yesterday afternoon, on tv3 … one of those women shows, i think it’s wanita hari ini … they interviewed zamarul hisham and diana rafar … who after 8 years just decided to get married. zamarul has been married once and divorced. took him a long time to decide to propose. and diana had asked the same questions that i had asked in my relationship. and not seeing each other all the time saved their relationship. my bf has been divorced. no kids. our relationship, as of now, is lots longer than his shortlived marriage.

sometimes, i feel like i am paying for his mistakes. his anger, the chip on his shoulder, or whatever.

but he doesn’t realise that i’m only patient up to a point. one day, i will not return his call, or his messages. because, maybe, one day … i will meet that someone who will say:

Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad