woke up with a sore throat.

feels like i hv lost the motivation to continue loving my boyfriend.

why? hmmm … i think it’s coz i have a feeling that he doesn’t love me strongly enough to be with me in the true sense of the word. like, it’s an experiment. let’s see how it goes.

i don’t want to see how it goes. i want to build on it.

now i lack the enthusiasm to see him, spend time with him.

thinking about my malaysian break … i would rather work on my apartment, write at a cafe, play with my nieces … then spend time with him … becoz what’s the point of spending time with someone who is not really serious about you?

he’s been with me long enough to know how he feels about me, and how i feel about him. he doesn’t need anymore you-and-me time. what he needs to do is decide is it worth spending quality time with me now and in the future because we are laying the foundation for our future.

i’m not desperate, i’m bored with the status quo.

at least i want to be engaged, evern informally … so that i know, i’m the only one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.

it’s not about whether i hv the capacity to wait another 3 or 4 years. it’s whether, while waiting, am i going to love him more, or i will … i won’t say hate, but just not think much of him, and start looking elsewhere for love … i don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not sacred.

i’m tired of it. i’m tired of his stand on non-commitment.

i just … i’m tired.

my tears are falling as i write this. i didn’t expect it to. i started off feeling dispassionate.

i guess, i just want to start a whole new chapter in my life. a chapter with hope and beautiful things. by beautiful things, i mean real love, my parents’ blessings … not pussyfooting around. everyone happy for me and him.

i just don’t see the reason anymore to be where we are at now. coz it makes a lot of people unhappy — including us. and i just don’t see the reason why i need to fight for him, when he’s not fighting for me.

no reason.

you may think it’s all in my head. that i’m alone in my room and i make up all sort of reasons to break up.

no — you are wrong. it doesn’t just come suddenly. but when i was seeing him everyday, i guess i just didn’t have the space to consider this.

but now i do. it’s like running a relay and the guy, your partner, your teamate is running beside you but do not want to pass you the baton. what’s the point, right?