something really odd happened.

some of my younger colleagues were on facebook, looking up ppl, etc … and suddenly, i felt like i wanted to look up this ex-collegemate of mine, who happened to marry a senior of ours, whom i had a crush on. well, i THOUGHT i had a crush on. and i had once, stupidly sent him a stupid card. argh. anyway … whatever.

so, i did. they are basically architectural royalty. and … well, she married him and now she’s royalty by marriage. but she’s always been a good student AND talented. and nice. and kind. argh. how can you hate her?

so, basically, i looked them up and … well, she looks the same … but him? he’s put on so much weight. he’s like three times what he was before. it’s shocking! i mean, obviously, it’s not sthing that terrible … he must be happy, and content. after all, what else can you ask for? a happy family, a good job …  hmmm.

but, i dunno … i guess, i just kinda feel weird.

oh … and then, i proceeded to look for the guy whom i had a ‘metaphysical metaphorical’ relationship with and i couldn’t find him, and i can’t be bothered to look for him on friendster!

anyway, the most surprising find is dr fabulous on facebook. never in a million years would i thought id bump into him. sigh. he was, in a way, my first first love. coz we had a connection … and it only ended when he got married last december. i saw his face … and all the suspense, the longing from ten years ago … the conversations, the understanding, misunderstandings … the expectation … the calls … let’s just say … i had CLOSURE. coz i know deep down, he’s happy now. really happy. i believe that eventhough it seemed we were like soulmates but we weren’t right for each other. or maybe i was too scared that if we were to get together, they bubble would burst. the myth would explode into nothingness. and what would i be left with? i know this is weird. but i didn’t want to risk it. he could have been THE ONE who could have made me happy till the end of my life. but … something was just not right. it’s just not the right time, the right situation … we had so many chances to make it happen, but we didn’t … by some bizarre twist of fate. when he was finally free of all his hangups, and ready … i wasn’t. it’s not because i was going out with someone … but i was just scared that it wouldn’t work and we will end up hurting each other. i was so scared. when in fact, i really loved his caring, his conversation, his humour. but … what was it that kept us from really making it happen? till now, i still don’t get it.

but, nevertheless, i pray for his happiness. he’s a good guy. he deserves to be happy.

and there you go. my past loves. buried. over. in the past.

and my current love? i don’t know.

i just don’t feel ‘it’. you know.

i know we’ve been through a lot.

but lately … i don’t feel it.

it’s like … i feel that he’s meant to end up with someone else. not with me.

i don’t know why.

maybe i don’t deserve love?

i don’t know.

but i feel like i would fall in love somehow … and it would be slow, a slow falling. a mature sort of love. a relationship that’s based on respect and tenderness. and this person genuinely, genuinely wants to take care of me.

i don’t know who, i don’t know when.

but i know it’s when i am finally ’sorted’.

insyallah.