am halfway through my script. really don’t tknow whether it’s good or bad. i just hope, when i send it out, it’s not gonna be rejected.

anyway, i hv another 2 weeks to finish becoz i gotta send it out before i arrive in malaysia.

speaking of writing … i am preparing for two writing competitions.

1. the david tk wong scholarship: the winner will spend a year writing at the university of east anglia. but bear in mind, this does not give the writer a UAE MA. just writing space, i heard. heheh.

2. Man Asia prize. am waiting for next year’s application coz missed the 2009 one.

it’s so great that people like david tk wong is giving a chance for asian writers to write. it’s not easy trying to come up with something like a novel, esp when you have a day job.

i am kinda torn in this regard. do i stay on in brunei, or do i go. here, i hv enough time and money to write. if i go home … hmmm … it’s a tough juggling act, bah.

i don’t know. i really don’t know.

finished watching my season 3 marathon of house. well, actually i’m not done, but i don’t hv the rest of the dvds. hv only watched up to season 12, one day, one room. made my cry – again. when i first started watching house, i opted to watch season 3 first. then, backtrack from there.

anyway, now i’m done, i can fold my clothes that’s piled up on one half of my bed.

the room smells of toast and butter. rye toast to be exact. bought rye bread from mum’s bakery yesterday. didn’t know wht to expect … but it’s delicious! it’s soft inside and slightly cruncy outside. and the smell is heavenly! unfortunately, my burger patties got burnt. left it too long on the stove. but i ate them anyway: three burnt patties. u can’t waste food. unless you’re really full and might vomit if you stuff yourself further.

anyway, back to house. i love actress Kathryn Winnick potrayal of the rape victim. she was vulnerable, yet strong. i hope she goes places in hollywood.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. i can’t do anything except vegetate. watch house, blog … sigh.

i dunno whether i’m depressed. maybe i am. no more than usual. am not married. no kids. no stable career. nothing to call my own. debts.

no wonder i’m depressed.

i love it when house and his patient (the rape victim) talked by the lake. that’s what i miss about the UK … the green parks. you can sit on the grass, take a breather. even it the middle of the suburbs, there’s huge parks. some of course part of older manor grounds. i miss that. in msia or even in brunei … basically, in a tropical country, there’s no way u can sit for too long on the grass in a park. one, it gets hot. two, the grass is prob full of kerengge … huge red ants. not to mention the mud. rains a lot and it gets muddy.

i miss the changing of the seasons. hot chocolates in winter, walks in the park in spring and summer, the colours of autumn. i miss all that. it makes me feel like there’s always change, sthing to look forward to. life is not stagnant.

here … it’s … there’s no obvious change in the weather, cept for rain or hot. heavy rain, drizzling … then the heat. hot, hotter or very hot.

stimes, i feel like i am ready to explode.

i need to have a rhythm. some kind of constant.

and i miss talking about things that are theoretical. talking about ideas.  just talking with someone that matters, being open … not having to hide my feelings, my vulnerability, my aspirations … or how i’m such a loser.

i need some kind of connection. i need to see a shrink.

i am watching privileged. that series abt two rich brats and their tutor living in palm springs. i love it. reminds me of gilmore girls, which i used to watch but then it got boring when mama lorelei got together with the cafe guy.and i think that will/megan hookup is ‘totally hot’. will has this very restrained sexuality. i’d like to believe he’s like that in real life. oh, well. sigh.

one of my close friends have moved into a whole new sphere, accepting a partnership complete with luxury company car. at 36, she’s achieved so much more than i have. she’s happy, content … even though she’s single right now. honestly, i am rather envious. not just a little envious. but a lot envious. eventhough, i am in a relationship, and she is not … well, at least she’s got her cat living with her. my bf and i are separated by the South China Sea. plus, it’s not like our relationship is progressing anyway. but actually, if i am totally honest … it is progressing slightly in terms of i dunno … it’s just sthing very subtle. more effort. more trust. i guess. it’s true wht they say … absence does make the heart grow fonder.

and distance … actually gives me more time to agonise about my future/career.

stimes, i feel like i need to see a psychiatrist/counsellor … coz i’m just really confused and anxious. i am in a job that doesn’t challenge my IQ. and i feel like i’m a loser coz i’m not paid as much as i am supposed to be paid.

and thing is … at the moment, i am not that happy abt this job. abt being here. i won’t go into the details but lets’ just say … it’s time to look for another job. sigh.

have been watching HOUSE for more than a week now. been sleeping late … but it’s just so addictive. i’m worried that i’m a maverick like House. i don’t care much for management, and i basically do what i want within reason. i work within my limitations; ie i make it work even though i don’t like my situation.

thing is … it worries me. sometimes.

but then again, it doesn’t.

like now. they’ve moved me to a diff dept for a very lame reason; and i don’t hv to make any decisions now. i’m just an ‘executive’ that executes. sometimes it’s boring. but i try to do my boring job the best i can. i don’t hv much stress and i’m getting paid ok.

so, what am i complaining about, right?

i guess i just want to make sure that i don’t screw up my life, yet again, because i am bored.

anyway, yesterday, i made my first book purchase online. if this works, not being near Borders or Kinokuniya is not an issue. i am hoping to bring back a few more books and a desk from IKEA.

after this trip home, i won’t be going back to Malaysia until August, maybe Eid. who knows. see how long i can last. all i know, is that i need to start saving money and concentrate on my masters proposal. that bane of my existence.

went to buy my electricity prepaid coupon yesterday afternoon. went to TAMU KIANGGEH in BSB to buy two cloves of garlic. yup. two cloves. heheheheh. well, that’s all i needed to overhaul my pasta. i love TAMU. lots of fresh veggies there. (incidentally, i noted that the Kianggeh river is cleaner than the Klang river in KL; obviously but i kinda hope that it remains that way for a loooong time).

i want to be like those French women i read about in Vogue or Marie Claire. they shop everyday at their corner shop or market. cook homemade meals for their family. that’s how they keep in shape. well, i mean they also eat well, but not a lot at one go. lead a quality life.

anyway, i overhauled my pasta by adding mushroom soup to sauteed garlic; then add the pasta i had made a few days ago. and voila! it’s yummy now. full of flavour.

so, anyway today i have decided to fast. just don’t want to slide back into fatness, now that i have lost some weight. groaan. or is it all just a dream.

i love dr house.

it has been a more or less difficult day coz i hv the cold, my mind is sluggish … and i didn’t hv time to go to the doctor’s. so i was a bit slow at my work.

but the good news is … i managed to book a flight on MAS to KL with my new VISA card!

i hv been in credit card debts before a few years ago. but i’ve learned my lesson. i am not as reckless as before. i am only going to use this credit card for airline bookings and online purchases esp books at amazon.com.

was tempted to buy a handphone but i think i’ll wait. maybe will get it in KL. if it’s really necessary. i mean, now that i have a mobile modem, a PDA phone doesn’t seem too important.

anyway, my body feels achy. just want to sleep but i hvnt performed solat isya’ … i have been missing solat isya’ for weeks! and not to mention subuh (solat fajar). maybe that’s why i hv been having a trying time. not performing all five daily prayers.

incidentally, today i discovered a junior colleague of mine felt demoralised and she felt like resigning. and also, another colleague actually resigned because she felt insulted, i guess, that her work wasn’t thought to be up to par. this is ridiculous because she is one of the best we have. but i guess people are quite sensitive in this company. maybe bcoz the management make decisions on a whim, without any concrete reasons that people feel as if they’re like pawns on a chess board.

believe it or not, it’s 2009 … march 2009.  so much has happened since my last post. i am now in another country. okay, it’s not so far. just over the south china sea.

i am in brunei. have been living here for a few months now. this is not, i repeat, not a sabbatical. LOLOL!

i’ve got a job. it’s not the best job in the world, but it’s ok. although the office politics is kind of vicious. anyway, i’m here just to save money but it doesn’t seem like i’m saving much. for example, today i bought a mobile modem. so that i can get online at home, of course. cost me a bomb! i mean it. $300 just for the modem. argh. crazy.

but i guess, it’s something i cannot avoid. i have spent weeks contemplating this purchase. and well, after trying it out for an hour now, it’s not bad, really. reception is quite good. all i do is surf and write anyway.

anyway, how did i get here?

i can hardly believe it myself.  applied over the internet. got the interview. aced the interview. well, maybe i wasn’t really their first choice, but i guess i was cheap. i’m making lots more than what i was making in Malaysia anyhow.

but it’s really tough. the loneliness. missing my nieces … and sometimes, my boyfriend. miss being in damansara perdana. miss hanging out at borders. miss being able to just pop down to the mamak for a capati/roti canai and a teh tarik. miss my bonsai. miss lots of things.

brunei is peaceful. i don’t have to worry about getting mugged, snatch theft, that sorta thing. but it’s … well … it’s not like london, that’s for sure! so, that’s what i’m working on now. to save some money to go back to school.

anyway, they’ve put me up in an apartment … it’s nice but i’m sharing. which is … not so nice. i mean, my housemate is ok, although she smokes (i wish she wouldn’t) … but it’s nothing like having your own place. i miss my apartment in damansara perdana. i miss it terribly. now that it’s got water. HAHHAHAHA. how did i survive not having water last year. it’s crazy.

but yeah. that’s my crazy pathetic life.

that’s the thing. life is a roller coaster. sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. and sometimes when you think you’re up, some invisible fingers are dragging you down, down, down … okay, that’s really bad prose!

actually, i’m kinda miserable. the office is not as great as it was a few weeks ago. but i can’t let things affect me, although i think it is … now i have the flu/cold* …

just don’t feel like going to work … but i have to.

i’m thinking of going to work early tomorrow. do the pages as early as possible. then go home.

well, now that i don’t have the pleasure of that korean series to look forward to; i can concentrate on work. haha.

okay, i was never that into these korean drama series, you know. until i saw JUMONG. and oh wow. i was hooked! then … Prince Hours. okay, that was cute.

looks like i have to get my own DVD player now.

which leads me to buying branded goods.

okay, i bought an el cheapo vacuum cleaner within the first two weeks i got here. and now, i don’t know how. the hose is now rendered useless. also, my stupid el cheapo blender which i bought at Hua Ho is also a disappointment. but it’s my fault coz i didn’t check when the guy was testing it. but he’s the salesman! how could he not notice that the mill (two of them) grinder thing had this horrible grease stuff that i couldn’t remove. had to throw them out. so i’ve learned my lesson. don’t buy cheap stuff!

and the thing is … my house has not been vacuumed in three weeks, and i really need to get a new vacuum cleaner. but i don’t have a car.

and i don’t know when i can go and buy one. argh again.

okay, enough moaning and groaning. whoever happens to read this blog … i’m sorry for you. like it said down and out …

but you know … you might be able to find some real gems in here. after i’m done moaning and groaning.

gotta go.

p/s: i want to start blogging in earnest. maybe it can keep me sane? beats confiding in people at work and have them blab about you during lunch.

i have a job!! yep! hv been working since july 1, believe it or not? and yes, i’ve decided on the singaporean company. why? well, first … i badly need a job … okay, i wouldn’t have taken the offer if they had not offered more than a thousand increase from my last salary. alhamdulillah … i can soon pay off my debts! secondly, it’s only ten minutes’ drive from my home. third, eventhough it’s not the most ideal of situations … i’m quite familiar with the job scope, ie it’s not something i have to learn from scratch. so, i don’t really have to stress myself out trying to learn something new or try to do a perfect job (like i’m wont to do) and can concentrate on the stuff i really love doing, on my free time. hey, at least i don’t hv to wade through crazy KL traffic and i’m not tired when i get home, like in the days when i was working in KL. argh. KL traffic jam is the worst!

anyways … are happy days here again … ? well, as always, there are ups and downs.

one of the downs is … being accused of doing something ‘immoral’ in the eyes of the so-called neighbourhood ‘moral police’ (this is how i describe them). will write on this in another post. i had only just recently emerged from a cold war with my parents because of this.

as for my job … the first few days were tough coz i felt like i was in a foreign country. i am the only malay. the rest of the less than 10 staff are all chinese and they spoke mandarin 95% of the time. not becoz they were deliberately trying to alienate me. basically, their english and malay is …. to put it mildly … not very fluent. and i speak only malay and english. so … you can imagine how weird i felt when they were laughing crazily at someone’s joke and i couldn’t understand a word of it. sigh. feels like being in a country like france or well … china!