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something really odd happened.
some of my younger colleagues were on facebook, looking up ppl, etc … and suddenly, i felt like i wanted to look up this ex-collegemate of mine, who happened to marry a senior of ours, whom i had a crush on. well, i THOUGHT i had a crush on. and i had once, stupidly sent him a stupid card. argh. anyway … whatever.
so, i did. they are basically architectural royalty. and … well, she married him and now she’s royalty by marriage. but she’s always been a good student AND talented. and nice. and kind. argh. how can you hate her?
so, basically, i looked them up and … well, she looks the same … but him? he’s put on so much weight. he’s like three times what he was before. it’s shocking! i mean, obviously, it’s not sthing that terrible … he must be happy, and content. after all, what else can you ask for? a happy family, a good job … hmmm.
but, i dunno … i guess, i just kinda feel weird.
oh … and then, i proceeded to look for the guy whom i had a ‘metaphysical metaphorical’ relationship with and i couldn’t find him, and i can’t be bothered to look for him on friendster!
anyway, the most surprising find is dr fabulous on facebook. never in a million years would i thought id bump into him. sigh. he was, in a way, my first first love. coz we had a connection … and it only ended when he got married last december. i saw his face … and all the suspense, the longing from ten years ago … the conversations, the understanding, misunderstandings … the expectation … the calls … let’s just say … i had CLOSURE. coz i know deep down, he’s happy now. really happy. i believe that eventhough it seemed we were like soulmates but we weren’t right for each other. or maybe i was too scared that if we were to get together, they bubble would burst. the myth would explode into nothingness. and what would i be left with? i know this is weird. but i didn’t want to risk it. he could have been THE ONE who could have made me happy till the end of my life. but … something was just not right. it’s just not the right time, the right situation … we had so many chances to make it happen, but we didn’t … by some bizarre twist of fate. when he was finally free of all his hangups, and ready … i wasn’t. it’s not because i was going out with someone … but i was just scared that it wouldn’t work and we will end up hurting each other. i was so scared. when in fact, i really loved his caring, his conversation, his humour. but … what was it that kept us from really making it happen? till now, i still don’t get it.
but, nevertheless, i pray for his happiness. he’s a good guy. he deserves to be happy.
and there you go. my past loves. buried. over. in the past.
and my current love? i don’t know.
i just don’t feel ‘it’. you know.
i know we’ve been through a lot.
but lately … i don’t feel it.
it’s like … i feel that he’s meant to end up with someone else. not with me.
i don’t know why.
maybe i don’t deserve love?
i don’t know.
but i feel like i would fall in love somehow … and it would be slow, a slow falling. a mature sort of love. a relationship that’s based on respect and tenderness. and this person genuinely, genuinely wants to take care of me.
i don’t know who, i don’t know when.
but i know it’s when i am finally ’sorted’.
insyallah.
yasmin ahmad passed away last night and has just been buried this afternoon.
i am terribly sad.
i was going to send her my script but i thought … nah, why would she read my script? me, a nobody?
but reading about how kind she was … i think she would have given me some feedback.
sigh. she will be sorely missed.
pure and simple … and very malaysian: tan hong ming
it’s been ages since i’ve blogged. mainly coz i’ve been on a break, and had to run around … thus no time to blog.
oh … update! have finished my script and one is being read by a scriptwriter cum producer. been a week but still no feedback. hmmm … i wonder how long it takes to read 120 pages?
weird thing though … i was also introduced to a producer who’s my bf’s uncle. actually my bf didn’t know his uncle was a producer until that day. apparently he had one movie that bombed (he said) but he didn’t tell us the name of the movie. he said to send him the script. so, my bf has tried getting in touch recently to give him the script but there was no reply.
anyway, i managed to buy the Safira DVD set at Rock Corner in 1 Utama. but only part 2 though. apparently someone’s bought part 1. weird. how come they didnt buy both sets? anyway, at least i got the ending. hahaha.
my bf thought it’s hilarious that i would make sure i get to watch TV2 at 3pm mon to thurs just to watch Safira. hahahaha.
okay … why do i like this sinetron? i guess it’s coz like i said before, it’s a story about young love, that’s pure and untainted by adult love, if you know what i mean. eventhough they are faced with all sorts of obstacles, the love is strong. and obviously, what got me to continue watching is the onscreen chemistry between the actors Lucky Perdana and Yukino.
i’ve read about the rumour regarding lucky perdana being gay. hmmm … well, what can i say? for me, that’s his personal life. if he’s gay or bisexual or whatever, but he can act convincingly as a GUY THAT LOVES A GIRL … that’s good enough for me.
i mean, rupert everett’s gay, but to me, he’s still hot! heheheh.
of course, being a muslim, i hope lucky perdana is not gay. and i hope if he had gone off in that direction, he would return to the right path.
but honestly, he was only a teenager when he started out. so who’s to say that he wasn’t taken advantage of?
whatever.
the fact is, if there’s another sinetron or a movie with him and yukino as the lead, i’d watch it. heheh. i think yukino will grow up to be a really attractive interesting actor. like rama said in safira … she has the loveliest eyes! and even my sister the doctor who only saw one episode thinks safira/yukino is sweet. oh, to be fourteen again … yukino has the loveliest skin! check out her cheeks in the scene where she and adit discuss about her engagement. it’s luminous! her skin, i mean … lol!
as i’ve wrote before, this sinetron is not really the best in the world, but it’s accompanied by a killer song … Aku dan Dirimu, which i think really helps to set the mood.
and on a personal level, watching it … helps me to be more kind towards my bf … hahahaha … i mean, to have more faith in the relationship. coz the fact is, both of us must be truly committed to the relationship, we must have a lot of faith, and even though we’re tested, we have to remain strong. otherwise, what’s the point?
anyway. that’s my two cents worth.
the good thing is … now i have more time on my hands coz im not planning my day so that i can sit and watch safira at 3pm. hahahahah. hilarious.
a few years ago, there was a big hoo haa about A New Earth which was heavily promoted by Oprah, which actually put me off the whole thing. but recently, i flipped through the book at KLIA and saw a few interesting nuggets … so i bought the book.
i hope the author does not mind me publishing an extract on this blog:
“In each person’s life there comes a time when he or she pursues growth and expansion on the level of form. This is when you strive to overcome limitation such as physical weakness or financial scarcity, when you acquire new skills and knowledge, or through creative action bring something new into this world that is life-enhancing for yourself as well as others.”
“When you are present, when your attention is fully in the Now, that Presence will flow into and transform what you do … And of course, you cannot be present unless you become friendly with the present moment.”
for a long time, i’ve lived looking forward or back … not really in the present. the present to me, was just a means to an end. but now, i’ve realized that life is fluid. you have to enjoy the NOW and redha with what has happened in the past and what will come in the future.
i don’t know what it is about me these days … but i despair easily. or maybe i’ve always been this way?
i don’t know.
but it’s not good to be like this.
i watched safira this afternoon … on tv, not on youtube. but i couldn’t really relax, bcoz i was expecting the guy-mate to appear or even my girl-mate. then i can’t concentrate and would have to make small talk.
anyway, bcoz one of the guy-mates came home for lunch, and i didn’t know whether he had gone back to work, i wore my scarf. and of course, that’s the main reason i couldn’t relax.
anyway, feel slightly sluggish … tired. i wonder if i’m getting my period soon. should be about this time. maybe this is also the cause for my despondence?
hmmm.
i do miss walking though. maybe this weekend i should go to bukit shahbandar. just me, alone. to explore.
if okay, next time i can ask my cousins or friends/colleagues.
i guess the other reason for my tiredness is thinking that i have to burn the midnight oil tonight to do my assignment. it’s an unfinished project from my previous company. looooong story.
anyway. just makes me feel tired that i have unfinished business.
oh, well.
okay, i know what i can do. CLEAN UP! that always makes me feel good. but not now.
maybe later. heheheheh.
will said he loves megan … sort of but weird RTB cut off the scene. maybe coz they were gonna kiss … groaaan … censorship!
anyway, i felt kind of … sad and happy all at the same time … and grateful.
i feel like, i’m so blessed to have someone who cares about me. but at the same time, i feel sad that i don’t know whether we are going to end up together. and i feel like we won’t. it seems … impossible. because my bf doesn’t seem to beleive it. i feel like … we are growing further apart although it seems like we are going closer.
at the moment, i am just collecting all these feelings of love, adoration, concern … for that cold winter season, for that rainy day. for when i go to yet another country.
this is it. this is my stepping stone. and i guess i have to go it alone.
there was a repeat of the tv magazine prog 360 (degrees) on TV3 about car repossession and those guys that tow away the cars for the banks.
these guys say they are just doing their job.
hmmm … what can i say? well, i’ve been there. ie, i’ve had my car repossessed.
well, i had gone through some really DARK times that i’d never thought i’d go through. this is why this blog is called down & out … coz heck, i was REALLY down and out at various points throughout my life.
anyway, what happened was … because i was constantly resigning from some job or another, i didn’t have enough savings to pay for my installments. some people say you need to have at least 3 months savings if you want to quit. some people say 6 months. needless to say, i didn’t follow that rule. so, i was broke most of the time.
then it happened that i had not paid my car loan for 3 mths, maybe almost 4 … i can’t remember. but the notice was out. and everytime i saw a car tow truck on the road, i get nervous.
at that time, i was sharing my car with my boyfriend, who didn’t have a car. so, that day, he’d send me to work and went to his apartment to work on his stuff. when he came out, the car was gone.
it felt so surreal. i asked him to do a police report but i can’t remember whether he did. i think i called the bank.
the thing i don’t get is … is it possible for the car repo guy to just take my car without anyone there? i thought (according to this consumer group rep) they hav to allow the driver/owner to take out stuff from the car.
anyway, i went to the bank to talk … i thought i should just give up the car (it would be auctioned if i don’t pay up) but the bank said, even if i let go of the car, i still hv to pay for the difference in balance after the car is bought (of course at a much lower rate). i didn’t decide there and then, but went to see my car at the car repo place near jalan semarak. my car looked really sad. i went there with my bf by taxi and collected my things in the car including the radio/cd set … which after that incident never really worked properly. but it made me so sad to have to leave my car stranded for two weeks in the hot sun. it’s terrible. and so surreal. the car repo place looked really seedy. i don’t know whether i would be able to work in that kind of business. it’s terrible.
but then, i’m the one who was irresponsible … letting my loan lapse like that. sigh.
like i said, those were dark days. and if i’m not careful … i might go down that path again.
then, i did something that i will always regret … i pawned my thick gold bracelet, a gift from my mum. the first time i had ever done such a thing. that was how desperate i was. sold it at Habib Jewels. i don’t know whether they gave me a good price, but it was enough to claim the car. and of course, the stupid bank made me pay for the towing/repo cost which amounted to a few hundred (rm600 i think).
so, i went to the bank, an almost hidden dept reserved for repossession cases. obviously the people waiting to talk to the officers all look glum and depressed. sigh. i don’t ever want to go there again.
the other thing which i wish i hadn’t done is taking a 9-year loan on the car. nine years is too long to pay for a car, okay? but at that time, i thought i wanted a lower monthly installment. but the truth is, there’s not much difference, really, if i were to take the 5-year plan.
see, these are things you do when you don’t think things through.
but, hey … we live and learn.
p/s: it’s easy to get AMBANK car loans, but they are VERY QUICK when it comes to repossessing your car. LOLOLOL!
i have finally gotten over my brief 3 hr writer’s block by actually willing myself to write. no booze, no drugs, no smokes … just plain old willpower. oh, and a little help from The Nanny Diaries movie. i needed to watch a movie about the adult-child interaction and at the moment, this is what i have in my room. i am currently adapting my unpublished novel into a script which i hope i can get done before July, because that’s about the time i hope to go back home and show my script to someone … maybe Aziz M Osman or Yasmin Ahmad … or Tiara Jacquelina (but i think she’s on sabbatical now) … YEAH RIGHT! okay, i do not know any of these people. but … like Martin Luther King Jr said: I HAVE A DREAM!!!!
anyway, so was typing away with a little window of The Nanny Diaries on the left side of my screen, headphones on … lalalalalala … after like, the umpteenth time of watching my favourite parts, i channel surfed (well, i only have 5 channels (TV1, TV2, TV3, RTB1, RTB2) and discovered Bold & Beautiful was on TV2. Soaps are horrible but they can be like a drug. compelling. hahahaha.
anyway, Ridge is at it again. being indecisive. he’s questioning Brooke’s commitment to their relationship because she looks at Nick a certain way, when both Brooke and Nick and their son Jack were posing for a family photo. DUH! how stupid is he? and Taylor doesn’t act like the supposedly intelligent doctor that she is meant to be. I mean, come on, people! although it’s just soap opera, i wonder why the adults in B&B … are so weird. they keep playing musical chairs, exchanging one partner for the other’s partner, etc, etc … and when their children grows up, they follow their parent’s footsteps – swapping partners! sick or what. but like i said … compelling, very compelling. 
so, i had to stop writing my equally compelling script, get online and rant.
i mean, c’mon B&B people … get settled before you get old like Stephanie and can’t enjoy the sex! okay, i know it’s a ficitonal world, but sometimes art can imitate life?
it got me thinking … about my relationship and my friends’ relationships. when i say relationships, i mean those of us who are not yet in a MARRIAGE. so, anyway … one of my friend’s hubby (new hubby) thought i shouldn’t be with my bf now, coz i guess due to the fact that he’s a musician (and therefore, by career choice, unfaithful!) and also coz we’ve been together ages and are still very far from signing that dotted line. my other friend and i, on the other hand, thinks my friend’s new hubby is being a bit of a dork because he hasn’t told his first wife about my friend (and he promised he would before they got married) and he hasn’t yet found her a new place, letting her live in her grotty rented flat. okay, my friend is a second wife, and that’s ok. they’re both muslims. but well, sigh …
see, my point is … people outside the relationship may find a lot of things wrong about your relationship, but the only people that can navigate the relationship through the stormy waters are the both of you. ergo, brooke and ridge, etc.
so, even if i think Ridge is a spineless mama’s boy character … someone (in this case two) out there in tvland can still love him.
people enter into a relationship in spite of their weaknesses. and if they’re lucky, they become stronger, better people from being in that relationship.
okay, i’m done. back to my script!
arrrggghhh … three more days to do my taxes!!
PROZAC NATION by Elizabeth Wurtzel.
Read it in 1996; was depressed, got even more depressed.
read a review by Douglas A. Smith:
As Sigmund Freud said, two of the most important aspects of anyone’s life are love and work. When Elizabeth Wurtzel did well in these areas of her life, she was happy – and with no help from psychiatry. When her life went poorly, she was despondent or “depressed,” whether or not she was taking Prozac and lithium or other psychiatric drugs or undergoing other psychiatric “therapy.” Whether she realizes it or not, her 368 page memoir illustrates that her salvation, both before and after Prozac, came from living a life she enjoyed, not from any of psychiatry’s so-called therapies.
now a new movie with Christina Ricci. have not watched it. dunno whether it’d be any good like Girl, Interrupted. now, this is one movie and book that i can watch and read again and again. but prozac nation? … never mind.
