it has been the craziest most awful month for me. had to move house and the movin’ process was really killing me. am now renting a room on the top floor of a walk-up apartment. groaan. okay, it’s only 3 floors, but feels like 5. from a serviced apartment to a walkup flat. hmmm … i’m really movin’ on up! VERTICALLY and PHYSICALLY. if i don’t get toned legs out of this, sigh … i’m gonna be really disappointed!

anyway, have finally moved my bike to this place. singlehandedly stuffed the bike into my friend’s car. amazing. it fits nicely!

this car which im kinda renting from my friend is really a character. she must have bought it from a guy. the aircon’s busted, so most of the time i feel like i’m in a sauna. but the great thing is the DVD touch screen player! whooooaaa, feels like i’m pimpin’ … oh yeah, oh yeah!

and i’ve discovered that there’s a natasha bedingfield video on one of the dvds. coool. my favourite artiste. i love that song, Unwritten. i can listen to it again and again.

on another sadder note … my bf told me his brother is getting engaged yesterday. i don’t why he only told me last minute. prob to him it’s not important that i know. but i got really upset … with him – about US!!

i went on a text messaging tirade. like how im tired of this relationship, and he’d better do something, ie we’d better progress the next time i come home. i want to go to the next level. i want to be engaged. if he’s still in his “i don’t know where this relationship is going” … duh! then, he’s gonna lose me. i’m not kidding. after five years, he should know whether he wants me or not in his life. if he still doesn’t know, then … sayonara.

i’m serious.

the past week has been bad, like i said. i just feel so down about everything … abt being in a dead end job, about having to move, about being here, about not being married, about not having a LIFE!!

plus, i haven’t been praying. the room had been in such a MESS, that i couldn’t find my qiblah compass (or i wasn’t looking hard enough) that i just didn’t get around to praying, except at the office. and i felt really disorientated and heavy because of this. the time i actually got to pray, i felt such a relief. now, i feel God is truly the One who listens.

last night i was so miserable, i think i went to sleep crying. then, i had a dream. my research proposal or project or something like that, was accepted by the swedish embassy (i don’t know why swedish) and i felt so good about myself, i felt that now im sooo raring to go.

when i woke up, i realised that i do have something to give, i do have something to do.

so today, i went around settling some stuff. bought some things to make my life here a bit better,  so that i can concentrate on my work.

oh … and a girl’s next best thing … RETAIL THERAPY!!!

i went to explore the city in the sauna on wheels, and found the way to Plaza Athirah, and of course … heheh … bought some kain (fabric), for my aunts. so now i have enough already for everyone. well, except my other aunt, but i don’t think im gonna give her anything. she’s got rich kids. hahahahhaha.

i bought a little kettle for my room coz i’m just too lazy to go all the way to the kitchen to make my green tea.

i find that the way i can create is to be pure. even the food i take. by pure i mean, not organic etc … coz hey, they are too expensive. but not to eat too much rice and meat.

so, today, i stocked up on tuna spreads so i can eat with crackers while im working. and also, some ginger tea to give me that boost. and bought wholemeal linguini and pesto to eat with tuna in oil. i just want to eat simple stuff.

hopefully things will get better.

i know that i will only feel on top of things when reading and writing and doing research … generally making the wheels turn, etc.

Insyallah, things will be better.

it’s so … interesting … that the other day, i felt so grateful for the food that i ate, and I really thanked God for His bounty, his rezeki.

amin.

i am an avid reader of The Malaysian Insider. mainly because of all the comments submitted by readers … hahahahaha. politicians don’t really have to get an expensive agency to find out what Malaysians think. just read the comments posted below the articles, and you can really guess what the average urban/suburban middle class multi-ethnic voter is thinking about in regards to politics as usual. Of course, the other reason i read TMI is because it’s design is user friendly AND it’s FREE! try getting on Malaysiakini without a subscription … groaan.

i also read Harakah online. to know what the other side is thinking about. it’s interesting how Harakah, thought of a few years ago as an old man’s party, has jumped on the Internet bandwagon a lot earlier than UMNO’s mouthpieces. Harakah is even on Twitter. ha.ha.ha. heck, even i don’t know (and at the moment is not interested) how to use Twitter. but a young colleague said it’s good for making cheap international calls.

oh, and i also read The Star. when in Malaysia i would also read NST, Berita Harian and sometimes Utusan Malaysia (but it’s really boring coz too one-sided). But in Brunei, i just rely on TMI and The Star. One thing i like about The Star (eventhough it’s owned by MCA) is that it does a lot of community-based events esp focusing on teens. they are good at this community outreach stuff. which i don’t see the other Malaysian papers doing so much.

at home, my dad will buy Utusan … it’s his bedtime, or naptime reading. he gets comfortable on the sofa, reads a few pages, then dozes off … this happens esp after lunch. even though dad says (and it’s common knowledge) that Utusan is very pro-Umno … he says it’s good to read to understand the Malay psyche. i don’t think it’s Malay as much as Umno. so … whatever. some of the stuff in Utusan is interesing, but i could never stomach the stuff by Astora Jabat. don’t think he’s on their payroll anymore. wonder what happened to him.

read that TMI is going to have a print edition. hmmm … i wonder whether tht’s going to be another NST. i say, a waste of paper. unless they are trying to reach the non-urban population who don’t go online. then they should create a Malay edition.

well … more profit for the paper lama guy.

honk honk … paper lamaaaaa, old newspaper … paper lamaaaa, old newspaper! heheheh.

oh, in Brunei, you can read Borneo Bulletin or The Brunei Times. These are the only two English newspapers published. Borneo Bulletin or BB is tabloid-sized AND tabloid. The Brunei Times or BT is broadsheet. If you read BT, you’d think life in Brunei is hunky-dory and crime free. but BB will pull you back to earth: smuggling, rape, incest. yup. it happens here too. but still … this place is a paradise compared to KL. muggings, snatch theft everywhere. urgh! and yes, i … like most women living in the Klang Valley have been mugged at one point in my adult life. Have handbag, be victim. Have handphone, be victim. so crazy. in Brunei, i can heave a sigh of relief. not having to look over my shoulder. but who knows? we can’t be too sure.

PROZAC NATION by Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Read it in 1996; was depressed, got even more depressed.

read a review by Douglas A. Smith:

As Sigmund Freud said, two of the most important aspects of anyone’s life are love and work.  When Elizabeth Wurtzel did well in these areas of her life, she was happy – and with no help from psychiatry.  When her life went poorly, she was despondent or “depressed,” whether or not she was taking Prozac and lithium or other psychiatric drugs or undergoing other psychiatric “therapy.”  Whether she realizes it or not, her 368 page memoir illustrates that her salvation, both before and after Prozac, came from living a life she enjoyed, not from any of psychiatry’s so-called therapies.

> more

now a new movie with Christina Ricci. have not watched it. dunno whether it’d be any good like Girl, Interrupted. now, this is one movie and book that i can watch and read again and again. but prozac nation? … never mind.