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i don’t know why but i feel so defeated.
defeated by life, work, love …
last night my bf told me about someone trying to break into my car (that he’s been using since i’m away). so, now the lock is shot. he, of course, informed me. maybe because i’m his confidant. but i’m not really that strong right now. and all i wished was for him to just solve the problem and tell me when he’s successfully solved it.
to cut a long story short. i’m just tired.
i text him and told him that i’m just so exhausted of all these challenges and obstacles. wht is this for, when we are not even together with the view of getting married? for what? i’m just sooooooo tired, and i told him … if he can’t offer me something good, please let me go.
and you know what? i don’t care anymore.
something really odd happened.
some of my younger colleagues were on facebook, looking up ppl, etc … and suddenly, i felt like i wanted to look up this ex-collegemate of mine, who happened to marry a senior of ours, whom i had a crush on. well, i THOUGHT i had a crush on. and i had once, stupidly sent him a stupid card. argh. anyway … whatever.
so, i did. they are basically architectural royalty. and … well, she married him and now she’s royalty by marriage. but she’s always been a good student AND talented. and nice. and kind. argh. how can you hate her?
so, basically, i looked them up and … well, she looks the same … but him? he’s put on so much weight. he’s like three times what he was before. it’s shocking! i mean, obviously, it’s not sthing that terrible … he must be happy, and content. after all, what else can you ask for? a happy family, a good job … hmmm.
but, i dunno … i guess, i just kinda feel weird.
oh … and then, i proceeded to look for the guy whom i had a ‘metaphysical metaphorical’ relationship with and i couldn’t find him, and i can’t be bothered to look for him on friendster!
anyway, the most surprising find is dr fabulous on facebook. never in a million years would i thought id bump into him. sigh. he was, in a way, my first first love. coz we had a connection … and it only ended when he got married last december. i saw his face … and all the suspense, the longing from ten years ago … the conversations, the understanding, misunderstandings … the expectation … the calls … let’s just say … i had CLOSURE. coz i know deep down, he’s happy now. really happy. i believe that eventhough it seemed we were like soulmates but we weren’t right for each other. or maybe i was too scared that if we were to get together, they bubble would burst. the myth would explode into nothingness. and what would i be left with? i know this is weird. but i didn’t want to risk it. he could have been THE ONE who could have made me happy till the end of my life. but … something was just not right. it’s just not the right time, the right situation … we had so many chances to make it happen, but we didn’t … by some bizarre twist of fate. when he was finally free of all his hangups, and ready … i wasn’t. it’s not because i was going out with someone … but i was just scared that it wouldn’t work and we will end up hurting each other. i was so scared. when in fact, i really loved his caring, his conversation, his humour. but … what was it that kept us from really making it happen? till now, i still don’t get it.
but, nevertheless, i pray for his happiness. he’s a good guy. he deserves to be happy.
and there you go. my past loves. buried. over. in the past.
and my current love? i don’t know.
i just don’t feel ‘it’. you know.
i know we’ve been through a lot.
but lately … i don’t feel it.
it’s like … i feel that he’s meant to end up with someone else. not with me.
i don’t know why.
maybe i don’t deserve love?
i don’t know.
but i feel like i would fall in love somehow … and it would be slow, a slow falling. a mature sort of love. a relationship that’s based on respect and tenderness. and this person genuinely, genuinely wants to take care of me.
i don’t know who, i don’t know when.
but i know it’s when i am finally ’sorted’.
insyallah.
suddenly i seem to have a lot of time on my hands … now my script is finished. i’ve actually wanted to send it to a few producers, but i am waiting from feedback from that one producer that i had already sent my script to … but of course there’s no contract or anything … it’s just i prefer to send it to one person at a time.
she said the story is interesting … but the thing is … is it good enough to be turned into a production!!!
anyway, after a few days of twiddling my thumbs … i’ve decided to move on to my next project … a MALAY NOVEL!! yes! eventhough i haven’t written in malay (formally) since SPM 1990 … i have to try to break into the lucrative ( i guess … i don’t have the numbers) malay young fiction romance whatsit genre. hahaha.
oh, and i intend to send my poems to one of my dad’s ex college mate who’s also a renowned poet (but his name shall be a secret). my poems are not that fantastic or clever … but i think it’s got heart … and i intend to self-publish it … so that it can be shared. poems must be shared, i feel. a few lines can make someone feel better about themselves and life.
anyway, bf gave me a belated birthday present … a LAMY pen. it’s not exactly the ring that i’m hoping for … but it’s good enough for me (for now!!) coz i’ve always wanted a LAMY pen (like almost 20 years!) but never got around to buying it for myself. and the fact that someone gv it to me … well, that, as they say, is SWEEET! 
it’s been ages since i’ve blogged. mainly coz i’ve been on a break, and had to run around … thus no time to blog.
oh … update! have finished my script and one is being read by a scriptwriter cum producer. been a week but still no feedback. hmmm … i wonder how long it takes to read 120 pages?
weird thing though … i was also introduced to a producer who’s my bf’s uncle. actually my bf didn’t know his uncle was a producer until that day. apparently he had one movie that bombed (he said) but he didn’t tell us the name of the movie. he said to send him the script. so, my bf has tried getting in touch recently to give him the script but there was no reply.
anyway, i managed to buy the Safira DVD set at Rock Corner in 1 Utama. but only part 2 though. apparently someone’s bought part 1. weird. how come they didnt buy both sets? anyway, at least i got the ending. hahaha.
my bf thought it’s hilarious that i would make sure i get to watch TV2 at 3pm mon to thurs just to watch Safira. hahahaha.
okay … why do i like this sinetron? i guess it’s coz like i said before, it’s a story about young love, that’s pure and untainted by adult love, if you know what i mean. eventhough they are faced with all sorts of obstacles, the love is strong. and obviously, what got me to continue watching is the onscreen chemistry between the actors Lucky Perdana and Yukino.
i’ve read about the rumour regarding lucky perdana being gay. hmmm … well, what can i say? for me, that’s his personal life. if he’s gay or bisexual or whatever, but he can act convincingly as a GUY THAT LOVES A GIRL … that’s good enough for me.
i mean, rupert everett’s gay, but to me, he’s still hot! heheheh.
of course, being a muslim, i hope lucky perdana is not gay. and i hope if he had gone off in that direction, he would return to the right path.
but honestly, he was only a teenager when he started out. so who’s to say that he wasn’t taken advantage of?
whatever.
the fact is, if there’s another sinetron or a movie with him and yukino as the lead, i’d watch it. heheh. i think yukino will grow up to be a really attractive interesting actor. like rama said in safira … she has the loveliest eyes! and even my sister the doctor who only saw one episode thinks safira/yukino is sweet. oh, to be fourteen again … yukino has the loveliest skin! check out her cheeks in the scene where she and adit discuss about her engagement. it’s luminous! her skin, i mean … lol!
as i’ve wrote before, this sinetron is not really the best in the world, but it’s accompanied by a killer song … Aku dan Dirimu, which i think really helps to set the mood.
and on a personal level, watching it … helps me to be more kind towards my bf … hahahaha … i mean, to have more faith in the relationship. coz the fact is, both of us must be truly committed to the relationship, we must have a lot of faith, and even though we’re tested, we have to remain strong. otherwise, what’s the point?
anyway. that’s my two cents worth.
the good thing is … now i have more time on my hands coz im not planning my day so that i can sit and watch safira at 3pm. hahahahah. hilarious.
okay, i’m being overly dramatic … but safira is being faced with even more challenges … she’s going to be married off! so she has decided to follow adit. hmmm …
young love is simple. you just follow your heart. but when you get older. argh. so complicated. but i guess, the reason i like watching this indonesian sinetron even though the script and acting can be a bit off at times … is … it makes me want to believe in the power of love, in the strength of a relationship … that despite the odds, you can achieve happiness … but you gotta be strong. sigh.
woke up with a sore throat.
feels like i hv lost the motivation to continue loving my boyfriend.
why? hmmm … i think it’s coz i have a feeling that he doesn’t love me strongly enough to be with me in the true sense of the word. like, it’s an experiment. let’s see how it goes.
i don’t want to see how it goes. i want to build on it.
now i lack the enthusiasm to see him, spend time with him.
thinking about my malaysian break … i would rather work on my apartment, write at a cafe, play with my nieces … then spend time with him … becoz what’s the point of spending time with someone who is not really serious about you?
he’s been with me long enough to know how he feels about me, and how i feel about him. he doesn’t need anymore you-and-me time. what he needs to do is decide is it worth spending quality time with me now and in the future because we are laying the foundation for our future.
i’m not desperate, i’m bored with the status quo.
at least i want to be engaged, evern informally … so that i know, i’m the only one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
it’s not about whether i hv the capacity to wait another 3 or 4 years. it’s whether, while waiting, am i going to love him more, or i will … i won’t say hate, but just not think much of him, and start looking elsewhere for love … i don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not sacred.
i’m tired of it. i’m tired of his stand on non-commitment.
i just … i’m tired.
my tears are falling as i write this. i didn’t expect it to. i started off feeling dispassionate.
i guess, i just want to start a whole new chapter in my life. a chapter with hope and beautiful things. by beautiful things, i mean real love, my parents’ blessings … not pussyfooting around. everyone happy for me and him.
i just don’t see the reason anymore to be where we are at now. coz it makes a lot of people unhappy — including us. and i just don’t see the reason why i need to fight for him, when he’s not fighting for me.
no reason.
you may think it’s all in my head. that i’m alone in my room and i make up all sort of reasons to break up.
no — you are wrong. it doesn’t just come suddenly. but when i was seeing him everyday, i guess i just didn’t have the space to consider this.
but now i do. it’s like running a relay and the guy, your partner, your teamate is running beside you but do not want to pass you the baton. what’s the point, right?
had another all nighter with my bf last night. it was great but i ended up feeling sad. talking about relationships again.
my bf is still not ready to go where i want to go, and i am slowly finding that it’s ok if he doesn’t coz that means we are not meant to be together … so, i shouldn’t put my hopes on him too much. in fact, i don’t … not anymore. and i’m opening my heart bit by bit to the possibility that there might be someone else out there.
i told him, if you believe in a relationship, you have to fight for it. if you don’t, and you feel like you just want to wait and see … that means, that relationship is not important enough in your scheme of things … and therefore, it’s very likely that the relationship will not be able to sustain itself as the ties that binds two people are not strong enough to weather the onslaught that will definitely come its way.
my bf, at the moment, is still thinking of himself, his survival …
to love honestly, you have to get out of yourself and be willing to sacrifice for the other person, for the relationship … if not, your real partner is yourself.
hv just watched The Other End Of The Line … a movie with Jesse Metcalfe and Shriya Saran … i give this movie 3.8/5
i love the casting, especially Shriya Saran and Jesse Metcalfe as Priya and Granger. they have lovely chemistry in this film. it’s not sizzling but it is like a bubbling pot of hot water … heheh. you can see how the attraction grows. but i wish they’d include Granger into the Indian culture more.
anyway, it’s about this Indian girl who works in a call centre in Mumbai, Priya. Her American name is Jennifer David and she calls up Granger about a possible credit card fraud. their telephone relationship grows, sort of … and Granger invites Priya to meet up in San Francisco (where she’s supposed to be based). Priya, who’s engaged, actually decides to go to San Francisco. the night they’re supposed to meet, she chickened out because he mistook a blonde girl for her. but then, as she was about to leave the hotel, they bumped into each other and he fell on top of her causing a bit of a bump. and they had dinner and then they got to know each other. but Priya’s parents got upset and flew to SF to find her. it so happens that they have a relative in Palo Alto. And … well, you gotta watch the movie.
the movie is not as good as Monsoon Wedding, which i absolutely love … but this movie has HEART … and that means it’s won half the battle with an audience such as myself. some parts where there’s supposed to be a ‘punch’, there’s none. and the part where Granger kisses Priya at the call centre … ummm … i don’t think people do that in India. it would be nicer if they kiss somewhere private. oh, and the soundtrack is a bit cheesy. heheh. although i do like the fact that they included Frank Sinatra’s The Way You Look Tonight.
but the CINEMATOGRAPHY is beautiful, just like an Indian movie. i noted that the cinematographer is indian. of course i don’t know whether he’s from India or the US. but if he’s from India, then it’s not surprising. because Bollywood movies have great cinematography.
if i were to make a movie, i would want an Indian (from India) to do the cinematography. really.
in Malaysia, i love Khabir Bhatia’s movies because of the cinematography. it’s luminous.
anyway, The Other End Of The Line is produced by Ashok Amritraj who actually produced Jeans (which I like very much!!) including Premonition starring Sandra Bullock.
i went to buy nasi katok mama a few nights ago. it was so funny. the indonesian guy who works there told me that he really likes the way Malaysians speak. by that i mean, Malay. he said it’s “lembut” …. hhahhahahaha…that really made my day.
becoz i actually love the way indonesians speak, ie Bahasa Indonesia, especially when i watch Safira, the way Aditya speaks … like when he says “tak ada apa apa kok … Cemburu itu tandanya sayang” … aaawwww … does not that make your heart melt? i mean, seriously?
one of the reasons i absolutely love sheila majid’s earlier songs was the lyrics …
kata demi kata, jalin dengan indah, untuk menguraikan … maksud hati … kuberanikan diri, untuk memulainya …
language is such a precious thing. that’s why i find it hard to learn a new language, coz i get impatient with the communicative aspect of it, hello, goodbye, can i buy a lemon? groaaan …
that i’d feel jealous of those who can appreciate poetry in that language like neruda’s poems are already beautiful in english, but in its original language, his poems must be sublime, an unforgettable experience!
had a looooong post-midnight chat with my bf last night. we mainly discussed abt work. that’s what keep our juices flowing. hahahahha. does that sound right? oh, okay .. CREATIVE JUICES.
i showed him parts of my script. and he likes it. but then, he’s biased. groaaan.
ok, we hvnt broken up. but … this is what i mean … we work so well together, that we should just be partners in work. you know. coz when we talk about our relationship. or rather, when I talk abt our relationship, things get tense.
but i can’t not talk about it periodically. sometimes i feel like im vanessa minillo and he’s nick lachey. you know what i mean?
anyway, we ended our conversation (chat) at 6plus in the morning. hence, i woke up around noon. groaaan.
but raring to finish my script. one more week to go before revising the draft.
