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have just read the news about Kosmo’s stupid article on Yasmin Ahmad. personally, i think it’s tasteless and they are cowards.
the fact is, most people know about Yasmin’s history. but why must they write about it right after her funeral? and if they are so brave, why didn’t they publish it while she was still alive?
that’s what i call COWARDS!!
the public, malaysians and foreigners alike, LOVE Yasmin because of her work which managed to bring people together, her compassion, her humanity. she has a BIGGER HEART then all those idiots who made the decision to publish that sensational piece of news.
so what if it’s true? it doesnt change the fact that she was a remarkable human being!
and so many people went to her funeral and doakan dia. so? when you die … what will you leave behind for people to remember you by? what good works have you done?
pleasela.
woke up with a sore throat.
feels like i hv lost the motivation to continue loving my boyfriend.
why? hmmm … i think it’s coz i have a feeling that he doesn’t love me strongly enough to be with me in the true sense of the word. like, it’s an experiment. let’s see how it goes.
i don’t want to see how it goes. i want to build on it.
now i lack the enthusiasm to see him, spend time with him.
thinking about my malaysian break … i would rather work on my apartment, write at a cafe, play with my nieces … then spend time with him … becoz what’s the point of spending time with someone who is not really serious about you?
he’s been with me long enough to know how he feels about me, and how i feel about him. he doesn’t need anymore you-and-me time. what he needs to do is decide is it worth spending quality time with me now and in the future because we are laying the foundation for our future.
i’m not desperate, i’m bored with the status quo.
at least i want to be engaged, evern informally … so that i know, i’m the only one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
it’s not about whether i hv the capacity to wait another 3 or 4 years. it’s whether, while waiting, am i going to love him more, or i will … i won’t say hate, but just not think much of him, and start looking elsewhere for love … i don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not sacred.
i’m tired of it. i’m tired of his stand on non-commitment.
i just … i’m tired.
my tears are falling as i write this. i didn’t expect it to. i started off feeling dispassionate.
i guess, i just want to start a whole new chapter in my life. a chapter with hope and beautiful things. by beautiful things, i mean real love, my parents’ blessings … not pussyfooting around. everyone happy for me and him.
i just don’t see the reason anymore to be where we are at now. coz it makes a lot of people unhappy — including us. and i just don’t see the reason why i need to fight for him, when he’s not fighting for me.
no reason.
you may think it’s all in my head. that i’m alone in my room and i make up all sort of reasons to break up.
no — you are wrong. it doesn’t just come suddenly. but when i was seeing him everyday, i guess i just didn’t have the space to consider this.
but now i do. it’s like running a relay and the guy, your partner, your teamate is running beside you but do not want to pass you the baton. what’s the point, right?
had another all nighter with my bf last night. it was great but i ended up feeling sad. talking about relationships again.
my bf is still not ready to go where i want to go, and i am slowly finding that it’s ok if he doesn’t coz that means we are not meant to be together … so, i shouldn’t put my hopes on him too much. in fact, i don’t … not anymore. and i’m opening my heart bit by bit to the possibility that there might be someone else out there.
i told him, if you believe in a relationship, you have to fight for it. if you don’t, and you feel like you just want to wait and see … that means, that relationship is not important enough in your scheme of things … and therefore, it’s very likely that the relationship will not be able to sustain itself as the ties that binds two people are not strong enough to weather the onslaught that will definitely come its way.
my bf, at the moment, is still thinking of himself, his survival …
to love honestly, you have to get out of yourself and be willing to sacrifice for the other person, for the relationship … if not, your real partner is yourself.
i don’t know whether i’m doing the right thing, but i feel that i am … i’m breaking up with my bf.
no, we didn’t have a fight.
but i just want to give him a wake-up call.
and also to give him the freedom that i think he needs. the freedom to act.
it has been the craziest most awful month for me. had to move house and the movin’ process was really killing me. am now renting a room on the top floor of a walk-up apartment. groaan. okay, it’s only 3 floors, but feels like 5. from a serviced apartment to a walkup flat. hmmm … i’m really movin’ on up! VERTICALLY and PHYSICALLY. if i don’t get toned legs out of this, sigh … i’m gonna be really disappointed!
anyway, have finally moved my bike to this place. singlehandedly stuffed the bike into my friend’s car. amazing. it fits nicely!
this car which im kinda renting from my friend is really a character. she must have bought it from a guy. the aircon’s busted, so most of the time i feel like i’m in a sauna. but the great thing is the DVD touch screen player! whooooaaa, feels like i’m pimpin’ … oh yeah, oh yeah!
and i’ve discovered that there’s a natasha bedingfield video on one of the dvds. coool. my favourite artiste. i love that song, Unwritten. i can listen to it again and again.
on another sadder note … my bf told me his brother is getting engaged yesterday. i don’t why he only told me last minute. prob to him it’s not important that i know. but i got really upset … with him – about US!!
i went on a text messaging tirade. like how im tired of this relationship, and he’d better do something, ie we’d better progress the next time i come home. i want to go to the next level. i want to be engaged. if he’s still in his “i don’t know where this relationship is going” … duh! then, he’s gonna lose me. i’m not kidding. after five years, he should know whether he wants me or not in his life. if he still doesn’t know, then … sayonara.
i’m serious.
the past week has been bad, like i said. i just feel so down about everything … abt being in a dead end job, about having to move, about being here, about not being married, about not having a LIFE!!
plus, i haven’t been praying. the room had been in such a MESS, that i couldn’t find my qiblah compass (or i wasn’t looking hard enough) that i just didn’t get around to praying, except at the office. and i felt really disorientated and heavy because of this. the time i actually got to pray, i felt such a relief. now, i feel God is truly the One who listens.
last night i was so miserable, i think i went to sleep crying. then, i had a dream. my research proposal or project or something like that, was accepted by the swedish embassy (i don’t know why swedish) and i felt so good about myself, i felt that now im sooo raring to go.
when i woke up, i realised that i do have something to give, i do have something to do.
so today, i went around settling some stuff. bought some things to make my life here a bit better, so that i can concentrate on my work.
oh … and a girl’s next best thing … RETAIL THERAPY!!!
i went to explore the city in the sauna on wheels, and found the way to Plaza Athirah, and of course … heheh … bought some kain (fabric), for my aunts. so now i have enough already for everyone. well, except my other aunt, but i don’t think im gonna give her anything. she’s got rich kids. hahahahhaha.
i bought a little kettle for my room coz i’m just too lazy to go all the way to the kitchen to make my green tea.
i find that the way i can create is to be pure. even the food i take. by pure i mean, not organic etc … coz hey, they are too expensive. but not to eat too much rice and meat.
so, today, i stocked up on tuna spreads so i can eat with crackers while im working. and also, some ginger tea to give me that boost. and bought wholemeal linguini and pesto to eat with tuna in oil. i just want to eat simple stuff.
hopefully things will get better.
i know that i will only feel on top of things when reading and writing and doing research … generally making the wheels turn, etc.
Insyallah, things will be better.
it’s so … interesting … that the other day, i felt so grateful for the food that i ate, and I really thanked God for His bounty, his rezeki.
amin.
my bf said sorry for what happened yesterday. but i don’t know whether he is aware of what he has done, what he always does.
i don’t know whether he knows how to be happy, be thankful … nobody can pull you out of yourself. nobody can hurt you worst but yourself.
the more he hurts me, the more i am certain that i need to go away. he can do whatever he likes to me, say whatever he wants. sooner or later, i will stop fighting back. i will go off, i won’t fight for this relationship.
i don’t know whether he realises this. maybe he does. maybe that’s how he keeps from committing. to drive people away by this impossible standards for himself.
when i was near, in the same space, the same district, seeing him everyday … it affects me very much, and he knows, he can see how i hurt, but now that i am far away … he can only guess. he cannot go off in a huff, and leave me crying … like he used to do. he cannot just go off. because now i am far away. our connection is tenuous. fragile.
the line can be disconnected. there’s no slamming of doors.
this is what al green says:
Oooo oooo ooo ooo, yeah
Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad
Why somebody, why people break up
Oh, and turn around and make up
I just can’t seeeeeeeee
You’d never do that to me
(Would you baby)
‘Cause being around you is all I see
It’s why I want us to
Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad
—-
i can’t imagine a guy who can really have a relationship and not get angry, break up then make up …
my bf and i … we did that all the time
only distance is the tie that keeps us together.
distance prevents us from fighting all the time.
it’s really confusing.
yesterday afternoon, on tv3 … one of those women shows, i think it’s wanita hari ini … they interviewed zamarul hisham and diana rafar … who after 8 years just decided to get married. zamarul has been married once and divorced. took him a long time to decide to propose. and diana had asked the same questions that i had asked in my relationship. and not seeing each other all the time saved their relationship. my bf has been divorced. no kids. our relationship, as of now, is lots longer than his shortlived marriage.
sometimes, i feel like i am paying for his mistakes. his anger, the chip on his shoulder, or whatever.
but he doesn’t realise that i’m only patient up to a point. one day, i will not return his call, or his messages. because, maybe, one day … i will meet that someone who will say:
Let’s, let’s stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad
money will always be an issue between my bf and i. sometimes it’s not the main issue, but it becomes an issue. i thought being apart would lessen our arguments. but this doesn’t seem to be the case.
i called him earlier, thinking that we could have a nice chat. so i asked him what he did today since it’s his off day and he was kinda listless … then i asked whether he had arranged for his mother to go to the tailor. i had given him some money to make some baju kurung for his mum coz she had these fabric but she hadn’t gotten around to having it made. so i’d given him the money to get it done … kinda like a birthday present for his mum.
so i asked him about it, and he said he hadn’t done it. and it’s been three weeks. i asked him does she know that you’re gonna pay for it. he said no. i’m thinking what the heck. of course she wouldn’t have gone to the tailors at his suggestion unless he tells her that he will pay for it. coz the reason she hadn’t sent it earlier was coz she was short of money. i was kinda like … what? why didn’t you tell her? she had wanted to make a new dress for a relative’s wedding and it’s not that far off, what with eid coming up … the tailor might not be able to complete the dress in time.
then, my bf got annoyed/irritated … and he said can we talk about something else and the way he says it and how he says it and what he said after that was just designed to hurt me. deliberately. and i said, if you don’t feel like talking to me, tell me … and when he didn’t answer, i said if you don’t want to talk, then i will call another time. and he said ok. so i put down the phone. and cried.
honestly, it makes me feel like … what’s the point.
before that, i asked him has he gotten his salary yet. and he said of course not. so i said, no wonder.
it’s always like that. when he is short of money, and hasn’t gotten his salary and if i happen to be there or i happen to want to talk to him, not knowing that he’s frustrated about not having money, i will get hurt. he will be curt, snappy.
it’s always like that. and i’m thinking, is he going to be like this forever? will having lots of money make him happy?
the fact is, whether you have money or not … it shouldn’t be the determinant for how you treat other people.
i’m just sick of it.
just when i feel like we have a future, we are both in this for the long haul … he makes me feel like he’s not worth it.
i’m just sad.
then he sends me a text message, saying that he’s just exhausted and he doesn’t know why.
that’s basically, his standard answer. he’s exhausted. he doesn’t know why he’s exhausted.
oh, whatever.
