i know i am in total deep shit when my water was cut about two weeks ago because i had not been paying maintenance fees for almost two years.

i know i am a terrible person but i never intended not to pay … i just somehow didn’t. i was always short of money and most of the time, a week after getting my salary and paying bills and loans, i’ve only got just enough to live on. and i had to make sure i have enough money to get to work.

i am not making excuses. i am just totally deep in financial muck, that i don’t know how to get out of it.

of course, i’m grateful that the management office takes care of the condo (although actually i don’t really like the new management compared to the previous management for various reasons which i shan’t get into here).

i read somewhere that the maintenance office cannot cut off water as it’s a basic necessity enshrined somewhere (maybe a UN charter)? so what they’re doing is not legal but i’m hardly in a position to protest. i just want to get a job and pay if off by instalments as there is absolutely NO WAY that i can afford to pay it in one lump sum.

so, what i did was get two huge plastic bins (like the ones people use as a rubbish bin) and two huge 8 kilo water canisters. i had initially wanted to get the 4 kilo ones but my bf said to just get the 8 kilo ones coz he would help me carry it. haha. i will not listen to his suggestions again coz he only helped me once and then we got into a fight coz i made some comment about him waking up late or something like that. WHATEVER! so i’ve decided to handle my water crisis myself.

honestly, if you – like me – are terrible at paying monthly bills … don’t live in a condo. there are so many fees that you sometimes have no idea what for including a ’sinking fund’ … what is that? as i have not been paying my maintenance fees … i was not eligible to attend/vote at the residents/management meeting. so, i don’t know what is being done or not being done.

i wonder whether there is something wrong with me that i cannot sort out my life. i’m sure there is. i can trace it back to 1997 when the economic recession happened to southeast asia. i was ecstatically happy that i graduated with a second class upper. than they tell me that they can’t continue to sponsor my postgraduate education. i had planned to stay and work in england coz that was where i was happiest. in malaysia, i am just a loser, sort of. had lots of fights with my parents, can’t fit in … totally not happy. although i got a lot of job offers, but i made lousy choices in terms of career and personal life. i just kept making one mistake after another. and ten years on … i’m stuck in a rut. maybe of my own making. but what happened? why couldn’t i swim to the surface?

thursday …

dunno whether it’s pms but i’m like a volcano that’s waiting to erupt. okay, now i’m just a simmering pot of pasta sauce. but earlier … arrrrggggh.

yesterday, i went for two job interviews, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. then, just as i was about to drive off after the afternoon interview, the admin person called me to come for a second interview the next day. i had planned to go to the epf office on thursday to ask about the housing loan withdrawal scheme since i would be free all day. but with the recent turn of events, i would have to squeeze the visit to early morning.

but this morning, i felt so bleaugh, that i thought it would be better to postpone it tomorrow after i’ve gotten all my papers in order. actually i almost went, wore something formal, felt positive. so, i thought i’d go to my apartment and get my papers.

but when i went back to my apartment, i was dismayed by the stinky smell from the toilet. did i tell you that the management cut my water supply? yeah, two weeks already, i think. coz i owe them more than a year’s worth of maintenance fees. anyway, will write about this later. so, even tho i thought i had flushed buckets full of water down the toilet, it seems that it’s not the same like if the water wasn’t cut off. coz i haven’t been home for a few days now so i dunno whether i should pour water down the toilet everyday so that it doesn’t become stagnant? anyway, really spoiled my mood.

anyway, before that, i dropped by my boyfriend’s place to pick up my trolley, and was hoping that he could help me fill these 8 kilo water containers to bring back to my place. but he was just too groggy (i suppose from a cold the night before) that he basically could not open his eyelids, and i just got a bit pissed off even though i shouldn’t and i was hoping that he would wake up to help me but as he wasn’t capable of doing that, i left with my trolley and water containers. i said i would just fill them up at my mum’s place which is like 20 minutes drive away while his apartment is just 5 minutes drive away from my place. so that was a bit annoying but i decided that i might as well solve my own problems coz the last time he helped me with the water, we got into a fight (another long story).

so back at my apartment, i felt like the wind had been taken out of my sails … i felt really down. i had no job, no money, no water … WHATEVER!!

then, i realized that i could pay this month’s car loan by selling my gold necklace. i never thought that i would think of selling it because it was a gift from my late grandmother. that’s about the only thing that i have from her. but i was feeling really desperate. so i took the flimsy gold chain and put it in my pocket. then, i started to gather my stuff and went down to the parking lot.

then, i went back to my boyfriend’s house because i had left a nice pair of black pants to wear to the interview. and more crucially, i really needed to go to the toilet, and there is no water at my apartment! so, i went back there and he was still sick, i suppose, coz he slept until noon. so, when i was about to leave, i realized that the gold chain is gone! AND there is actually a small hole in my pocket! how come i didn’t notice it, right? WHATEVER! really, really spoiled my mood. of course, i didn’t tell my boyfriend about it coz he would only get upset and tell me how careless i had been, blabla … he’s not very good at handling bad news even though it’s got nothing to do with him. it would just make him stressful, especially since he’s also short of money. so, i mustered up the strength to go to the job interview.

at the interview, the boss says i’ve got the criteria that they wanted. but of course when it came down to dollars and cents, the moolah, the dough … basically, i’m just too expensive! i said, that’s a typical salary for an EDITOR. he looked surprised. he thought i was asking for the position of SENIOR WRITER. Idiot! Didn’t he read the stupid FORM that i was asked to fill and my cover letter? WHATEVER! then, he said the highest post he can offer me was ASST EDITOR. WHATEVER. During the first interview, i’d told the sales manager that it doesn’t make sense for me to be Senior Writer (coz she said they would promote me if i perform … haaaah! dream on, as if i don’t know their republican tactics – it’s a singapore company and i’ve worked with them before … so, i know their modus operandi) as i’ve been an Editor for the past five years. It’s typical of Singapore publishing companies (based on three that i’ve worked for) to put one person in charge of a magazine, and the person does everything … so basically, you can be writer, senior writer, whatever but you would be doing the job of an editor at LESS PAY!!! so, i said to him, it doesn’t matter to me what you wish to call the position BUT it doesn’t make sense to me to agree to a salary that is below what i had gotten before. or something like that. please lah. i know the game, ok?

i told them that ideally, a magazine should be published 3 months in advance (the norm with big publishing companies in malaysia and overseas who employ sub-editors, editorial assistants, lifestyle editors, photo editors, etc, etc) … then the guy said, oh … we don’t do that. how stupid. they like to work in that stupid hectic style that is so typical of this sort of companies (okay, now i wouldn’t say singapore because i don’t have any statistics, just experience). stretch your staff’s capacities and expand your profit margin. how stupid. WHATEVER. and besides, i’d actually forgotten that they required someone who can speak chinese as well and when i’d sent my application via email i’d missed that particular sentence. so, i don’t know why they called me … maybe they THINK i can speak and write chinese? so, i don’t know whether i should email them and withdraw my application. the guy said he’d call me on Friday regarding the results. but you know what? i don’t think he will. like the numerous other interviews that promise to inform me in a week whether i was successful or otherwise. unlike in england, where for 50 letters that i’d sent, i would get exactly 50 rejection letters back (LOLOLOL) … i mean, they’re good at letter-writing … the British. and that’s what you call service! but in malaysia … if you don’t hear from them in a week, consider yourself REJECTED!

so, anyway … went back to my mum’s house after the interview, i felt hot and bothered. and later around 5pm my mum got really stressed with my 2 and a half year old niece who was having a tantrum that she screamed and when i went up to find out what was wrong, and reprimanded the niece, she said i shouldn’t have done so coz i don’t know what was going on. then i said to my mum, when you scream like that, you make everyone stressed coz as per usual she will start to pick on things and blame everything and everyone but she just can’t discipline the child who basically winds her around her little finger. much as i love her, my niece is a little tyrant who gets away with practically everything.

friday …

early this morning, i discovered that i had gotten my period. duh.

when will i, will i be famoooooooooouuusss?

i can’t answer, i can’t answer that!

i believe the above are lyrics to a song by BROS, the 80’s wonder twins.

actually, i don’t want to be famous. i just want to be comfortable. by that, i mean wealthy enough to be my own boss, to provide for my loved ones AND to create a foundation that would allow poor kids access to books. by books, i mean not only textbooks (which can be expensive for poor parents) but fiction, non-fiction, etc …

when will this happen? argh!!

a few years ago, i went to the Summit Mall – this horrible mall in USJ Subang Jaya – and meandered into a shop selling jade accessories and sculpture.

the woman in charge – a sad-eyed Chinese lady who had lost a husband who was basically her ROCK – told me (after touching my head, specifically the back of my head) that i would be prosperous but only in my forties. now, she said, now you have to work hard. then, she said, whomever i marry will have his fortunes and status elevated. can you imagine? just by marrying me some guy is gonna be catapulted to a higher dimension, so to speak. wow.

anyway, i’m 35 now, and still not married. so, whatever. but as for the working hard thing … i try, i do try … and sometimes when i thought i have everything under control, i act with my emotions instead of my head!

like, resigning from a basically ‘easy’ job (well, except for the crazy boss part, it was quite easy). and i noticed that most of my resignations occur when i am in PMS mode. oh boy! it’s crazy. i wish, i do wish i can stay at home, be quiet, and not be tempted by the phone or the internet because it’s so easy to say something silly or send a stupid message via phone or email or skype/messenger when you are mad! just a click of a button, and there it goes! groaaaaan!!!

george orwell’s Down & Out in Paris & London was my inspiration for the theme and title of my blog. i would like to share the ups and downs that i have gone through these past ten years as a working girl (now woman) living and working in the two most important cities in this blessed country – kuala lumpur (kl) and petaling jaya (pj). visitors to this blog should expect to read about disasters, disasters and more disasters. because that’s what i am currently – a disaster zone. my life may not be as bad as some people, but it is pretty bad considering with my background, i should not be in this mess.

in the novel, orwell writes:

Poverty is what I am writing about, and I had my first contact with poverty in this slum. The slum, with its dirt and its queer lives, was first an object-lesson in poverty, and then the background of my own experiences. It is for that reason that I try to give some idea of what life was like there.

those who do not know me would not ever imagine that i would have arrived at this position … for a graduate privileged enough to be accepted to boarding school, then educated in england on a government sponsorship scheme (it was a loan converted to a scholarship because i was awarded a second upper class for my degree), basically middle-class with both parents working (now retired) and siblings all graduates … how did i, now 35, end up with less than RM500 in the bank and without a job for two months now? in ten years, i have held more than ten job positions and only managed to stay in one job for the longest period of one and a half years.

dear friends, i will tell you how, i will tell you why … for a graduate, i can be really STOOOPID! but i don’t blame myself entirely. part of the fault lies with my parents, my upbringing, intense pressure to excel and so on, which had caused me at one time to suffer a nervous breakdown of sorts.

having said all this, i am a survivor … and more than that … i believe i am a very creative person who is just looking for a way to let loose all that is in my head, my heart, my soul.

at long last, i have arrived at a point where i have nothing to lose. it’s now or never.