it has been a very busy, crazy and productive year. although i had to sacrifice certain personal ties along the way. not that i HAD to do it. but i’m just terribly lazy and ‘socially-phobic’, if there is such a word.

first. boyfriend bought me a ring. ooooops! don’t get excited. he didn’t pop the question. so … don’t know what it’s for. a sign of commitment? hmmm … if after five years, we are still not committed, then i don’t know what to say.

second. the producer likes my script but i have to do some tweaking in terms of characters. which i haven’t done. it’s not easy going back to a finished product!

anyway, i have been asked to send a few synopses to be proposed to a local tv station. so that is what i shall be busy doing in the next two weeks.

hv just returned from a looong holiday. came back to reality. sigh.

i should count myself lucky. there are so many ppl out there who don’t have jobs!

defeated by life, work, love …

last night my bf told me about someone trying to break into my car (that he’s been using since i’m away). so, now the lock is shot. he, of course, informed me. maybe because i’m his confidant. but i’m not really that strong right now. and all i wished was for him to just solve the problem and tell me when he’s successfully solved it.

to cut a long story short. i’m just tired.

i text him and told him that i’m just so exhausted of all these challenges and obstacles. wht is this for, when we are not even together with the view of getting married? for what? i’m just sooooooo tired, and i told him … if he can’t offer me something good, please let me go.

and you know what? i don’t care anymore.

anyway, another episode unfolds. i am moving again. to the ghetto! yup. from a furnished apartment with a lift, i moved to a retro council flat with no lift … and now i’m moving to a teeny tiny shophouse flat with no lift located in what can be called the ghetto. if you live in a western city, say, london or new york … then … it’s kinda romantic to be livin’ in the ghetto. coz the city makes up for it. but brunei? oh, dear …

thank goodness for my new shoes.

it’s not as bad as the first time.

am getting the hang of it.

hv been hanging out with my colleagues, my housemates …

talking to people …

wow.

some of my younger colleagues were on facebook, looking up ppl, etc … and suddenly, i felt like i wanted to look up this ex-collegemate of mine, who happened to marry a senior of ours, whom i had a crush on. well, i THOUGHT i had a crush on. and i had once, stupidly sent him a stupid card. argh. anyway … whatever.

so, i did. they are basically architectural royalty. and … well, she married him and now she’s royalty by marriage. but she’s always been a good student AND talented. and nice. and kind. argh. how can you hate her?

so, basically, i looked them up and … well, she looks the same … but him? he’s put on so much weight. he’s like three times what he was before. it’s shocking! i mean, obviously, it’s not sthing that terrible … he must be happy, and content. after all, what else can you ask for? a happy family, a good job …  hmmm.

but, i dunno … i guess, i just kinda feel weird.

oh … and then, i proceeded to look for the guy whom i had a ‘metaphysical metaphorical’ relationship with and i couldn’t find him, and i can’t be bothered to look for him on friendster!

anyway, the most surprising find is dr fabulous on facebook. never in a million years would i thought id bump into him. sigh. he was, in a way, my first first love. coz we had a connection … and it only ended when he got married last december. i saw his face … and all the suspense, the longing from ten years ago … the conversations, the understanding, misunderstandings … the expectation … the calls … let’s just say … i had CLOSURE. coz i know deep down, he’s happy now. really happy. i believe that eventhough it seemed we were like soulmates but we weren’t right for each other. or maybe i was too scared that if we were to get together, they bubble would burst. the myth would explode into nothingness. and what would i be left with? i know this is weird. but i didn’t want to risk it. he could have been THE ONE who could have made me happy till the end of my life. but … something was just not right. it’s just not the right time, the right situation … we had so many chances to make it happen, but we didn’t … by some bizarre twist of fate. when he was finally free of all his hangups, and ready … i wasn’t. it’s not because i was going out with someone … but i was just scared that it wouldn’t work and we will end up hurting each other. i was so scared. when in fact, i really loved his caring, his conversation, his humour. but … what was it that kept us from really making it happen? till now, i still don’t get it.

but, nevertheless, i pray for his happiness. he’s a good guy. he deserves to be happy.

and there you go. my past loves. buried. over. in the past.

and my current love? i don’t know.

i just don’t feel ‘it’. you know.

i know we’ve been through a lot.

but lately … i don’t feel it.

it’s like … i feel that he’s meant to end up with someone else. not with me.

i don’t know why.

maybe i don’t deserve love?

i don’t know.

but i feel like i would fall in love somehow … and it would be slow, a slow falling. a mature sort of love. a relationship that’s based on respect and tenderness. and this person genuinely, genuinely wants to take care of me.

i don’t know who, i don’t know when.

but i know it’s when i am finally ‘sorted’.

insyallah.

the fact is, most people know about Yasmin’s history. but why must they write about it right after her funeral? and if they are so brave, why didn’t they publish it while she was still alive?

that’s what i call COWARDS!!

the public, malaysians and foreigners alike, LOVE Yasmin because of her work which managed to bring people together, her compassion, her humanity. she has a BIGGER HEART then all those idiots who made the decision to publish that sensational piece of news.

so what if it’s true? it doesnt change the fact that she was a remarkable human being!

and so many people went to her funeral and doakan dia. so? when you die … what will you leave behind for people to remember you by? what good works have you done?

pleasela.

i am terribly sad.

i was going to send her my script but i thought … nah, why would she read my script? me, a nobody?

but reading about how kind she was … i think she would have given me some feedback.

sigh. she will be sorely missed.

pure and simple … and very malaysian: tan hong ming

she said the story is interesting … but the thing is … is it good enough to be turned into a production!!!

anyway, after a few days of twiddling my thumbs … i’ve decided to move on to my next project … a MALAY NOVEL!! yes! eventhough i haven’t written in malay (formally) since SPM 1990 … i have to try to break into the lucrative ( i guess … i don’t have the numbers) malay young fiction romance whatsit genre. hahaha.

oh, and i intend to send my poems to one of my dad’s ex college mate who’s also a renowned poet (but his name shall be a secret). my poems are not that fantastic or clever … but i think it’s got heart … and i intend to self-publish it … so that it can be shared. poems must be shared, i feel. a few lines can make someone feel better about themselves and life.

anyway, bf gave me a belated birthday present … a LAMY pen. it’s not exactly the ring that i’m hoping for … but it’s good enough for me  (for now!!) coz i’ve always wanted a LAMY pen (like almost 20 years!) but never got around to buying it for myself. and the fact that someone gv it to me … well, that, as they say, is SWEEET!